Dammit dammit.

I'm an idiot. This you probably already know. But get this: I found my keys.

They were in my pants. In my pocket. The whole time.

However, they weren't in the right pocket. You know how some pants have that little pocket RIGHT above the main front pocket? Somehow my keys went in there. Four hundred bucks, right there.

On the other hand, the Supersuckers and Heavy Trash albums are fun as hell. And "Beverly Hills" just has me aching for Make Believe. Been a while since I was this excited by new music.

Dammit

So I lost my keys somehow.

I really don't know how.

I had to call a locksmith around midnight to get me into my apartment. That cost about 400 bucks. The ATMs in my neighborhood go under lock and key around that time of night so the locksmith and I had to go driving to find a bank. A crackhead gave us actually good directions.

So I'm in my apartment but I don't have my outdoor key or my mail key. Also lost my school keys. And my landlord is out of the office this week for Passover. This is a bad vacation.

New Pope Belonged to Hitler Youth

Really, check it out. And his damn name is RATZInger. Isn't now about the time that Captain America shows up and stops the Red Skull's evil plot? It's better and better to be a Protestant these days. We ain't Nazis, we ain't molesting, and we ain't pagan idolators.

A New Day Has Dawned

Another teacher and I have traded students. I gave her B, the girl who's made my life hell for the year, and she gave me J, whose done likewise for her. The thing is, J behaves like an angel in my class, has for the past two years. He's scared shitless of me, frankly. But he also likes it. And B really needed to be with a female teacher.

In the PBE (Post-B***** Era) shit smells like roses and everything is happy inside. I feel like making out with life.

Don't get me wrong: my class is still a huge pain. But you've no idea how awful B made me feel day in and day out. This is a present. It is the awesomest.

Ed Memed me again.

List five things that people in your circle of friends or peer group are wild about, but you can't really understand the fuss over. To use the words of Caesar (from History of the World Part I), "Nice. Nice. Not thrilling...but nice.".

1. Buffy. I hate bad dialogue. I don't like ugly people. I don't give a shit about genre TV. They come together in this show.

2. The Big Lebowski. What a self-important, egotistical film. Stoner artistes looking down their noses at everyone else. Utter crap.

3. Lost/Alias. See number 1.

4. Knights of the Dinner Table. I just don't get it, if there really is a joke.

5. Warren Ellis comics. Cut-rate writing with an attitude and a sneer. It's still cut-rate.

TEN random things about me:

10. Unlike Ed and Alan, I have an almost nonexistent olfactory sense. Which helps, especially after I eat a lot of Spanish food.
9. Someone once stole footage of me lit very provacatively in tighty whities.
8. I wore red Chuck Taylors for four years of my life.
7. I was a Lacoste fiend as a young lad. Would be today were I rich.
6. I've given up on being a writer, thankfully.
5. My cousin recently became a Mormon.
4. I hate the taste of Cool Ranch Doritos.
3. I used to wear an army helmet everywhere I went.
2. I have a high debris tolerance and a low whining tolerance.
1. I was a really fat baby.

NINE places I've visited:

9. NYC.
8. Las Vegas
7. Philadelphia, PA
6. St. Pete's Beach, FL
5. Dallas, TX
4. Omaha, NE
3. South Shore, NJ
2. Myrtle Beach, SC
1. Louisville, KY

EIGHT things I want to achieve in life:

8. See one of my students graduate college
7. Affect real change in the public education system.
6. Making Lisa happy. Really, really happy.
5. Get my PhD.
4. Live somewhere from which I'll never have to move.
3. Convert someone.
2. See friends publish their work/get their movies made, etc.
1. Find a politician I actually like.

SEVEN ways to win my heart:

7. Give a damn.
6. Feel things deeply, even if they're silly emotions.
5. Make fun of me.
4. Be open to thinks I like.
3. Let your guard down.
2. Wear a green t-shirt.
1. Have beautiful eyes.

SIX things I believe:

6. I believe in God the Father, maker of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, his only son our Lord (and so on).
5. Humanity is a shitty thing, but it can do amazing good.
4. Beauty can be found anywhere, and should be.
3. Jack Daniels is Tennessee swill.
2. Corporate capitalism is evil.
1. Rock and roll is a gift from God.

FIVE things I'm afraid of:

5. Sharks.
4. Things touching my eyes.
3. Losing my temper in class.
2. Hurting someone I love.
1. Losing someone I love.

FOUR of my favorite things:

4. Yasuda Sushi.
3. Great writing.
2. Beautiful girls.
1. My Gran.

THREE things I do everyday:

3. Get angry.
2. Laugh.
1. Fantasize.

TWO things I'm not trying to do right now:

2. Be depressed about my kids.
1. Get all writer-y.

ONE person I want to see right now:

1. Lisa.

How To Feel Bad

1. Be an elementary school teacher in an economically bereft area.

2. Have conversations like:

you: "What's wrong?"

student: "My life."

"What about it?"

"I can't stop thinking about my mother."

(The mother that died last year while the student was in second grade. The year her grandmother died, two weeks later. This year no one died, but her apartment did catch fire.)

"What can I do to help you feel better?"

"Nothing."

"What's something that would make you feel better?"

"I just want to die."