I Hate Nerds and Uglies

This is probably my favorite editorial I ever wrote:

Man, I can’t stand nerds. They’re all the time nerding about, all nerdily-like. I mean, really, what’s their hell-damn problem? Once I knew this nerd that was so nerdy his dick fell off, I swear to shit! That’s pretty nerdy, but that’s not the half of it. See, ever since Revenge of the Nerds came out and that nerd-nuts Bill Gates got rich, some people have been getting it in their dumb heads that it’s “OK” to be a nerd. Well, it isn’t. Sure, gays are cool, the races are all fine, and even some Europeans aren’t totally evil, but this growing trend of nerdism in America is just plain wrong.
Nerds are unappealing in every way. They don’t know that no one else enjoys talking about Star Wars or Superman or EverQuest or their fucking dildo calculators. Yeah, that’s right, they use their calculators as dildos. You’re probably thinking “That shit is sick,” and you’d be right. But these nerd fucks just keep on trying to nerdify everyone with their nerd talk. Fuck you buddy, I’m an American and I like to fuck, so you can take your no-fuckin nerdosity and shove it up your nerd ass!
Moving along, I’ve noticed that there are far too many ugly people in this world. Shit Oh Pete! I was in the airport yesterday and I only saw one good-looking dude and one good-looking girl. What the shit! Am I just slow to realize this or did all the hot people die of hotness or something? I saw the ugliest girl ever . . .I thought she was a burn victim or a retard or something. Nope, she was just ugly.
Let me go on a tangent here for a moment. Something else I hate would be the world of fashion models and that kind of shit. Hey, Cosmo, Vogue, Playboy, and Hollywood: FUCK YOU! There was a time where people could figure out for themselves what they thought was hot, but now it’s some exaggerated, cartoonish, unfuckingreasonable shit with girls that would probably break if you actually embraced them. Eat shit, all you fucknuts for trying to tell me who’s hot. I damn well know who’s hot, my eyes, brain, and dick tell me, not you.
Back to this ugly girl . . .see, I digressed to let you know that this girl wasn’t just “not supermodel.” She resembled a piece of rocksalt with blonde hair. But, hey, whatever, it’s her right, I guess. I didn’t even really mind when she sat next to me. I was listening to music anyway. But when she tells me to turn it down . . .well, in my mind, you just don’t turn AC/DC down. Bitch probably didn’t like RAWK cause RAWK is a lot like fuckin’, and that’s one thing she’ll never do with a real person. Sure, I may have politely complied but I’ll be damned if I didn’t think bad things about that ugly whore the rest of the plane ride. Man, she’d have been sorry if I had the nuts to say it out loud. But I guess she’s suffered enough, what with the horrible-assed ugliness.
You’d think natural selection would have weeded out all the uglies by this point. Fuck you, Darwin, they’re still here! There’s so many of them that they usually end up finding a similar ugly and they get drunk or close their eyes and next thing you know they’re poppin’ out ugly fucking babies. I know some people claim all babies are cute, but by hell, half the babies I’ve ever seen looked like a cross between Alfred Hitchcock and a potato. And while individually, I like both those things, neither is attractive.
So, in conclusion, allow me to summarize. Nerds fucking suck and should cease interacting with and spreading among real people. (I stop short of calling for their abolishment for then who would we beat up in high school, and who would support our lucrative science fiction collectibles market, and who would make porno more accessible via the Internet?) Secondly, uglies should show some dignity and not fuck each other and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY KNOCK OFF ALL THAT MAKING MORE UGLY PEOPLE!