Pernil con Arroz y Habichuelas

Book's out finally.

2006-05-19T06:53:00.000-05:00

Although if you're reading this you're either a) a friend who already knows it's out or b) a random stranger who doesn't care.

Buy it anyway.

Ashland, Kentucky's National Holiday

2006-05-16T07:03:00.000-05:00

Almost ten years ago some of my old friends and I instituted a new holiday. It was the year I was to graduate high school, 1996. We declared that every ten years starting on that special day, the sixth day of June would be forever known as Evil Day. The first Evil Day was celebrated with great gusto. An EVIL role-playing game was played in the park . . .with Mormons! Next we went to a children's playground . . .and walked UP the slide and went DOWN the stairs! EEEEVIL! Water guns were bought, wars were fought in dense woods, and speed limits were BROKEN!

It was truly a day of Evil.

The second Evil Day is upon us, less than one month away. I had planned on asking my friends to come to NY for the occasion, but since I'm asking them to come to Ashland (none are there anymore) less than one month after that, it seems excessive. I don't know how to celebrate Evil Day this year. I am beginning to think on it. I know a day of work will most likely be missed for the occasion. Lisa suggests that I wear all white that day. I think she just likes me in white, to be honest.

What are you going to do for Evil Day, my fellow nerds? Perhaps you will inspire me to greater heights of Evil than I ever thought possible. I have to make this one good, because I'll soon never be allowed to have fun AGAIN.

Almost another month

2006-04-30T20:53:00.000-05:00

My book that I wrote is pretty much done. Just have to approve it.

I don't think anyone reads this blog. Why would they, I never post.

Blogging has become rather irritating. What's the damn point to it? Just more pointless talking on an internet full of it.

Life is weird. I'm moodier than a woman going through menopause. I swing like crazy. I don't know what's going on, whether parts of this are symptoms or causes. Christ, I'm such a baby. And I've been drinking too much. My life is great right now, I need to accept that and stop trying to find reasons to hate myself. That isn't like me. Maybe me six years ago, but that piece of shit needs to stay in the past.

Just a lot of stuff going on, I guess. And what am I doing? Oh, I'm fucking writing about it on the internet. Good job, really accomplishing a lot there. At least no one reads this.

I don't know if I'm anxious, depressed, addicted, or disgusted. Ah, fuck. Who cares? More whining like a goddam teenager. Buck up, me.

Fiction Express is available

2006-04-04T22:31:00.000-05:00

My kids' book is finally available! Order it from here!

I Yet Live

2006-04-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins have a great new album out, called Rabbit Fur Coat. Good voices, good music, good songs, kind of a roots-country type thing with some bluegrass and hymnal influence. I like.

I've befriended some parents from my class. I like it, feels great. Good folks.

Ordered some more Salvia. May have some with Lisa for her birthday. That should be interesting.

Book only has ending left to be edited.

Kids' book just needs to be approved from the proof and then we'll be on. Very excited.

One of my best friends from college was in town and didn't tell me. I hadn't called in six months. I hate the phone, but she's got a point. I'm used to male friends who are fine with no contact for months and months. So that sucked.

Things are great overall, though.

I got invited to a Cute Boy Poetry Slam. It's been years since I was invited. I guess I'm finally cute again.

Things I Hate

2006-02-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

1. When people don't tip. Don't be cheap, don't be a jerk. Tip your waitress, waiter, bartender, cab driver, whatever. They rely on it. People that don't tip drive me crazy, and I haven't even ever had a job that gets tipped.

2. Getting sick over and over again. One of the downsides of being surrounded by awesome kids is their germs are less awesome.

3. Anybody who talks down to my kids or, God forbid, lays a hand on them. More on this later.

4. Genre fiction. Yeah, I know I wrote something that's pretty genre-y (revising it now), but that stuff is so bad. Sci-fi, fantasy, romance, all of it. Whenever someone sits down and thinks of a genre they want to write before they actually think of a story or start writing or whatever, you're just adding to this big pile of crap literature. I know I'm a nerd and I'm supposed to love this shit but I can't stand it.

Hands

2006-01-18T08:48:00.001-05:00

On the one hand, I turn 28 today. On the other hand, I'm in the best place I've ever been, life-wise.

On the one hand, I missed work yesterday to fight the Transit Adjudication folks because someone gave them my info when fare-jumping on the subway (in stations I've never used) only to be turned away and told to come back another day. On the other hand, I may very well have gotten a new, nice 3 Bedroom apartment last night.

On the one hand, it turns out Lisa didn't get food poisoning. On the other hand, it must have been a virus because now I'm running to the bathroom every five minutes.

On the one hand, I have a couple of great things coming up for my class (we're going to publish our fiction through lulu.com and we're going to do a very high-level poetry unit involving T.S. Eliot, Shakespear, Richard Brautigan, Langston Hughs, and maybe more). On the other hand, I've missed two days of school in a row for stupid things I hate doing.

On the one hand, my birthday party was kind of fun and Lisa looked great and I liked my gifts. On the other hand, I'm getting too damn old for that stuff and ended up (again) not being able to talk to the people I really wanted to talk to.

On the one hand, I'm getting good notes back on my book. On the other hand, my folks are sending me a new computer so I'm reluctant to do a whole lot of work on it before that, and then I move, and then . . .there's always something.

Anyway, that's my life. It's much better than it sounds right now, but it is hard to be enthusiastic with diarrhea and nausea competing to see who can kick my ass hardest.

IT IS DONE

2005-12-20T19:13:00.000-05:00

I finally finished my first draft.

Ahhhhh. Feels good. Sent it off to a few different, disparate readers, in order to get some revision feedback and a re-energizing to wrap this thing up. I don't know if I mentioned that I got a cover artist, too. I'll probably be selling this online once it's done, because I don't think stores do lulu.com stuff. Anyway, after a crap end to a day at work, this was awesome.

Plot

2005-12-05T17:13:00.000-05:00

So I wrote my fifty thousand words and I'm still going. I'm a big winner, hooray, but my book isn't really done yet. I shopped it to a possible publisher, but it wasn't straight enough for them. And by "straight" I do not mean "opposite of gay." I mean "opposite of funny." I hadn't realized that it was funny, really. It was just how I view life in a lot of ways, which, upon reflection, probably seems funny to most folk. So now I'm in the plotplotplot part leading up to the climax and resolution. The novel before this has been a much more leisurely thing, episodic even. But the main plot has too much momentum now, and it must keep rolling.

I've always been least comfortable with plot. Its rules and regulations seemed so arbitrary and annoying. Also, it's my weakest point. I can do characters, dialogue, mood, humor, whatever. But plots are hard to come by for me. So I have a plot and I have to play it through now. It's kind of weird, though. It seems to be pulling the book in a weird direction I didn't originally intend. I didn't know the ending when I started writing, I thought I'd follow Chris Ware's advice with that. Well, it was subconsciously following it. I just wanted to write and see if I could actually do it. I mostly have, I guess, but I do need to finish it. Lulu.com will print me a free copy if I have it done and edited by January 16th, and after that I'd like to actually sell copies via the internet.

Anyway, the ending. There seems to be a magnetic or gravitic pull for this story leading it to a tonal shift. I feel like the ending that's coming up is going to be more outlandish than the rest of the book, and I'm not sure if that's what it needs to be. It could be fun and perfectly pulpy. But it could also be that lifetime wasted reading genre comics that's hardwired my brain to only be "creative" within certain contexts. Ah, well, we'll see. Writing this is just an excuse not to write the book for a bit. Back to the mill.

Parent Teacher Night

2005-11-18T16:27:00.000-05:00

Parent Teacher Night is usuall a nightmare, just awful. Nobody comes, I'm bored, and the ones that do come aren't the ones I "need to see." But this year I didn't "need to see" (for bad reasons) anyone. But I wanted to meet all my parents, because my class rocks so much. And they all came! I was sick as a dog and missed the next day from exhaustion and a nasty cold, but it was totally worth it. There's a reason my kids are great: their parents are great. I'd actually like to hang out with them socially if I had met them outside of this context. Heck, I would anyway. They're good folk, fun, smart, and they want the best for their kids. I hope I stay in touch with them once the school system pries this class out of my hands.

Novel is still going, almost 30 thousand words at this point. Might be something no one will ever read, but it's a good excercise.

So, in conclusion: yay parents, yay my class, yay writing.

I'm an idiot.

2005-11-02T21:12:00.000-05:00

So I joined that "write a novel in a month" thing.

I'm about 3500 words in, little over.

An excerpt can be found here. Feel free to let me know what you think.

My kids still frickin rock.

Oh, wow.

2005-10-25T12:07:00.000-05:00

I was just sent one of those quiz links about love on the internet. They're usually completely retarded, like Chad. But this one was pretty neat. The questions seemed lame, but it actually does ...it's hard to explain, but it's really cool.

Here, take the quiz.

I need my space

2005-10-25T11:49:00.000-05:00

Ha ha ha ha what a witty title I've made.

So I joined myspace a while ago, found a few friends, and lost interest. I was there for the heyday of friendster, getting new friends and stuff every day. That was fun but it got old. No one had anything new to say. And new people never came.

But my space, this is weird. Within the past two days three old friends have found and contacted me through it. Ben I've stayed in touch with over the years, but Heather and Lunsford? That's taking me back a long damn time. I haven't talked to either of them since before I graduated high school, I think. Good to see they're both doing well.

So, yeah, some blogs will be added to the sidebar. Check them out or I'll never type for you again, you stupids.

Hey, Study-net!

2005-10-20T14:53:00.000-05:00

I see I've been getting some visitors from Study-Net. It seems to be a private site. Could someone visiting from their explain how you find my blog and in what context it's being linked? I'm not upset or anything, just curious.

Yay

2005-10-19T20:21:00.000-05:00

Yay, the letter's being taken out. And all it did was prompt me to seriously get some help in organizing my room. I may not think it's all that important, but obviously admin does, so I got the lovely and talented Ms. Galvan to come in and redesign my library. It was all stuff I'd never have thought to do, but realized how good it was when it was done.

This was a really good week for comics, too. I heart the Amazing Joy Buzzards.

Got my dad birthday presents: a Zegna tie, a Willie Nelson t-shirt, and the Dukes of Hazzard soundtrack. When I was wee, he'd pick me up and spin me around the the Waylon version. He'll be having some surgery on Friday, so keep him in whatever thoughts or prayers you have, oh limited audience of Joephiles.

Rassafrassin

2005-10-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

Work troubles: letter in my file. It'll probably be taken out, because it complains about things that are not true, visibly so. It was mentioned, apparently, in a meeting that "it's a running joke" in the school that my room isn't what it could be, organization-wise. Last time I treat myself with a sense of humor in this place, believe me.

I hate this goddam weather, it depresses me.

Stressed and depressed.

Down after a big high; you know how it's awesome hanging out with a friend one day but sometimes you come down off that high like it were a drug.

The wedding planning is stressful. I took it from Lisa to ease her stress, but it's only made it worse. And that makes me stressed.

Work, wedding, weather. I feel like shit.

More Fan Mail

2005-10-06T18:26:00.000-05:00

So is anyone reading this thing other than Mirna? And Beau? Hi, Mirna and Beau! Make a comment from time to time. More people care about what I think of comics than my real life!

Anyway, I got some more cute notes today. A real string of them.

From K.

Dear Joe, [yeah, she found out my first name]
I like the way you are. You are the funny thing. You are my best friend. Can you be happy? I like you.

Yes, yes I can be happy.

From L, a poem:

Mr. Rice
Mr. Rice Mr. Rice
handsomed techer of all
funny and
talented. And very smart so . . .

TELL ME YOUR FIRST NAME
because I'm cureis

Such a source of mystery to the kids.

From A:

Mr. Rice is the moste Hansum and good loking man. And he is funey.

My kids have excellent taste, obviously.

T. gives me one she'll live to regret:

M.r rice
You are my best teacher in the world more than my mom you tech me a lot of stuff and funny!

Saving that one for Mother's Day.

Met with some parents today for Open House. They were great, I got them very pumped for the year. One of them, E's dad, is a screenwriter, too. Have to talk to him about writing sometime, if I ever do any more.

Cool Notes from Kids

2005-09-29T17:46:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd post scans and transcriptions of a few funny notes and pictures I've received or intercepted in my classroom this year. First off is a little exchange between K and N, two guys who are clearly best friends. These guys crack me up. K is clearly going to grow up to be a villain of some sort.

Then L, one of my favorite girls, wrote a love note to the aforementioned N. The writing is all over the place, but I think it's something like this: "N. do you like me? Yes or No?"

N didn't circle either, he wrote "Maybe." From there:

"Not maybe! Just tell me."
"Maybe."
"I deny it!"
"Maybe."
"YOU DOO DOO HEAD! NOT MAYBE!!!!!!!"

I know how she feels. Speaking of her, here's an awesome portrait of me she drew. Even has my teeth sparkling.

Yup, that's right. I'm cool. They also refer to me (since I have trained them) as "the handsome teacher." God, I love my job.

Wow

2005-09-13T18:35:00.000-05:00

This is teacher heaven.

I love my kids.

They are crazy smart. They are really sweet. And they are funny as hell. I have a lot of clever, clever kids. Some of them already are starting 2nd grade reading at a higher level that some of my third graders ended up as. It's mind-boggling, how much smarter kids can be.

They are awesome.

I love these guys.

Stuff

2005-09-05T20:12:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow the school year begins anew. Two days of inservice and then the kids show up. New principal this year, and he IS a new principal. Was a teacher last year. Could work for my benefit or my detriment, will just have to see. Feel rather drained at the moment. It's been a long, good summer. But I could go for a bit more. Here goes nothing, as they say.

Spent most of the summer at Lisa's. Finding it lamer and lamer to just stay at my own pad alone. Will be interesting to see how that goes in the coming year. Also, needing to be tighter and tighter with finances. Very difficult but doable.

Had a friend from my teaching program. Best friend from it, actually. Thick as thieves from week 1 or so. Even placed in separate, but close schools, still hung out, drank, sang, danced, etc. Haven't heard from her in almost a year. Phone calls, emails ...all unreturned. Fucking sucks. An only child, I've always gathered my "siblings" and held them close. Friendship of utmost importance. This, unprecedented. Feels worse than most "relationship" ends. Frankly don't know what to do; rather, frankly know there's nothing to do.

So, yeah. All this doesn't compare with sadness at Katrina aftermath. Like a bad science fiction story. Unable to comprehend, quite honestly. New Orleans friend is fine, my Aunt and Uncle likewise. But so many . . .Jesus, we really don't understand what this will mean, yet.

Hm. Need to bring up my mood before my first day. Rock and roll will do the trick.

WOO!

2005-08-25T21:03:00.000-05:00

Check out what Lisa got me for our anniversary!

Past Lives

2005-08-25T00:25:00.000-05:00

Before I became a teacher, I worked in a post house here in NYC. We did spots, commercials, and your occasional MTV show. I was mostly a receptionist and client services person.

The company held a 10th anniversary party tonight and I was invited. It was fucking swanky as hell. Rooftop in Tribeca, string quartet, another band, good food, the works. And, of course, Gilbert Gottfried walking around in a sportcoat and boxers.

It was odd. Great to see my friends from there, but just so strange to remember that part of my life. A waiter came up to me and actually said, "You look like a graphic designer? Are you? Because I'm looking to get into--" and gave me his whole spiel before I got to say, "No, I teach second grade. Call me when you need to learn how to add." The politics and the sniveling that come with the business and the fun. Reminds me I made, for me, the right decision.

Check it out

2005-08-23T23:39:00.000-05:00

My buddy Tim has a blog now. Blogs are generally uninteresting (example found here) but he's a programming guy at IFC so it's pretty cool. So check it out.

Various and sundry

2005-08-11T00:26:00.000-05:00

Lisa and I went to Kentucky. Well, first she, her sister, and I went to Lisa's friend's wedding in Jersey. I missed Alex's shop opening for that. I guess it was fun. The kids there were hilarious, especialy Dong the dancing machine. We went back to the hotel and had a beer tasting party and Lisa and I got stupid drunk. She threw up the next morning. A lot. We took Jin back to Manhattan, then started on our road trip.

Never, ever, ever drive from Manhattan to Kentucky in one day without another driver. Jesus.

Kentucky was fun. Surprised the parents. Had some great food, ran into a few people that really reminded me of who I am/can be. Saw Mrs. and Kevin Pence. I'd avoided them for a while . . .I didn't want to ruin the myth the Pence family had become.

Silly me. They're still completely awesome.

So we're probably having the wedding in Kentucky now. That should be interesting. Lisa still isn't a huge fan of the planning. And I still get overexcited and want to do/decide everything immediately.

Started volunteering at the Superhero Supply Store. On Tuesdays I help with the writing drop-in sessions and do tutoring. Thursdays I mind the shop. Something to do over the summer, and it's making the world a slightly better place, too.

I thought I had so much more to say.

I usually hate these things . . .

2005-07-25T18:36:00.000-05:00

But, via Beaucoup Kevin, I couldn't help but find this one pretty accurate:

Dorothy Parker writes you, you wonderfully urbane,
witty boozehound, you.

Which Author's Fiction are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Internerd Drinkery

2005-07-25T14:07:00.000-05:00

This past week saw one of the awesomest, most holy Internerd Gatherings KNOWN TO MAN. How do I know? I know because I WAS THERE. I was a PART OF THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION.

And I have pictures for those of you who are interested.

Who took part in this debacle? Seen, from left to right in these two poorly-taken photos, they are internet personality and bon vivant F-dot; Closet Optimist and reality TV sexpert Jason Borelli; me; and English gadabout and comic-maker Merlin.

Also hanging out were a kickass group of cowboys and Indians, including Caped Cowboy and One Armed Indian. They are/were/always will be awesome.

Here, Caped Cowboy looks on as Merlin pontificates wisely:

I loved our friends.

I disapproved when girls tried to hurt them.

My retaliation was swift and fierce.

My satisfaction was both sweet and drunk.

Next time, they would have to mess with F-DOT!!!!!

After that the pictures lost all sense whatsoever. Enjoy.

Bombs

2005-07-18T13:49:00.000-05:00

So I went to a former student's birthday party this weekend. J is probably my all-time favorite. Totally sweet, extremely smart, artistically talented, a good writer, and a wicked sense of humor developing, too. I had her immediate elder sister for a week as a sub, and she's also fun. And the eldest I never taught but have befriended along with the rest of the family. Anyway, I had a good time and I think everyone else did.

Another former student of mine attended the party, and when I was leaving, she said, "Mr. Rice, watch out on the subway. There's lots of bombs on it now. If you see someone come on with a weird coat or a box just get out."

Thanks, JM. I'll keep that in mind.

Pictures from Kids

2005-07-12T01:27:00.000-05:00

So a good friend of mine taught a 5th grade class this past year and a good friend of ours is a photographer (photographess? That doesn't work). Anyway, they worked together and had the teacher's class take cameras and shoot photos of their environment. I have to say, it's pretty fucking great. It's got that innate sense of art and beauty that kids have until around the junior high stage. No self-consciousness, just making what looks good and feels good to them. You should check it out.

2005-07-11T09:05:00.000-05:00

So, yeah. Bit more than a week into summer vacation.

This is nice. I am not yet bored. I've spent a good deal of the time at Lisa's, so that helps. Other activities: eating well, drinking well, spending too much money, designing a D&D campaign. It's nice to be nerdy.

The other day I decided to do an all-day bar crawl. Lisa was at work and I was going home that night, so why not? Well, it was going along just fine until WHAM I finally ran into Roger, the amazing bartender from the late, great 9C. He's a manager at a couple bars now. Had a good talk with him, and definitely got the feeling that we were there "at the right time, at the right place" with 9C. Couldn't be what it was now, annoying shitheads would have taken it over.

Went out with the guys Saturday night. As expected Bobby Flay is extremely overrated. Everyone assumed I was joking when I said he wasn't good. I've become a big food nerd since dating Lisa. I mean, the food was good, but not great. Not that kind of money great, at least. Nonetheless, it was a really good time seeing everyone. And, of course, playing "goofy wingman" to all the single guys.

Last night I had two, count them, TWO dreams about made-up male friends of real female friends not wanting me to hang out with them. Kristen, who's getting married, and DeeAnne, who I haven't heard from in months. Very weird and kind of off-putting. No idea what it means.

Anyway, I should see what sort of mischief I can get in today, for cheap.

Juxtaposition

2005-06-27T14:43:00.000-05:00

As you've no doubt figured, I had a bit of a rough year at school. Today, the last full day (I have a half-day with the runts tomorrow), was no different from any other day. By that I mean things started off fairly OK and soon degenerated into degenerates screaming at each other over petty offenses. In other words, I got the shit annoyed out of me, as per usual. S. and R. were particularly in fine form today, and someone drew a butt with a penis in it on the chalk board. Real fine specimens, you see.

Don't get me wrong, I've got some kickass kids. E. blew away all the tests and is fun, to boot. N. is an amazing artist, even when she is a pain. There are funny ones, clever ones, and moral ones. It's just that the pains are so much louder, in every sense of the word.

So today, while I was trying to calm S. and R. down while trying to get I. and K. to sit the hell down and A. to clean up his goddam mess, Ms. Muscato came by. She tought class 102 this year. The "02" classes are reserved for gifted and talented students. Our school doesn't completely split up the classes, but a lot of the top academic kids are put in one place for excellence. Otherwise, everyone is mixed heterogenously, which, I think (and research shows) is the best way to do it. Anyway, next year I'm supposedly going to teach 202, so, basically, Ms. Muscato's class.

She brought me a pile of letters they had written me, as a way of introducing themselves. They wrote better than some of my third-going-to-fourth graders, and some read on higher reading levels. But the juxtaposition of these great letters while my current students basically wandered around like genetic detritus was a rather potent one. Here's to next year.

Also something for you to know

2005-06-14T06:04:00.000-05:00

I now have a biweekly column at the New Comic Book Galaxy. Go check it out! Also, the rest of the content there is great, better than my stuff. But at least my column this week can be understood by non comic geeks.

Just So You Know

2005-06-13T17:07:00.000-05:00

Freeze tag is still an awesome game. It is just damn fun. Took my kids to a park for a field day today and ended up playing some tag with them. I had to be reminded of the "three times" rule. But the rest came to me quickly. EVERYone got into it, no matter how badass they usually try to act. Freeze tag frickin RULES.

Actual Content

2005-06-09T09:48:00.000-05:00

As the school year winds down, I've been pretty busy. The paperwork is mountainous, but my old nerd habits help me get it done pretty quickly. I'm honestly really happy this year is over. I'm done with this group, sadly. Too many kids that grate on my nerves too much.

We got our test scores in. Did better than I expected, which is great. Some kids did REALLY well. Unfortunately, a few may have to go to summer school. Some of them, kids that worked their ass of this year and came up a LOT . . .just didn't do well on the idiotic test.

Last night was our schools end-of-term/retirement party. Open bar and a room full of educators, you get the picture. Of course, since the men at my school are either married, gay, or me, I got treated like a piece of meat. You don't know uncomfortableness until your principal has her hands on your ass showing you how to "dance Spanish." But it'll all be worthwhile if I get the class I want next year.

One of the new teachers, a blue-eyed skinny blonde, came up to me while we were dancing. "Have you ever felt more white in your life?" she asked.

"Yes, last year, when you people weren't here," I replied.

My parents are in town. They're on their way to meet me here. This'll be the firs ttime they see my new place. I hate having my parents over. There's always something wrong. It's one of the few times they make me neurotic. BUT we at least get some good tacos and delicious pastries out of the deal. And I might end up with a dinette set. Then to Brooklyn Heights to see Alex at the comic shop and dinner at the Chip Shop. Mmmmmm, fried Snickers . . .mmmmmm.

Post!

2005-06-02T21:18:00.000-05:00

I'm actually just posting this so I can print it out at school tomorrow. But, hey, read about this stuff, it's awesome.

Dear Friends,

Here is the latest news from 826NYC.

Contents:
-Upcoming Events
-Upcoming Workshops
-Summer Programs
-Wish List

UPCOMING EVENTS:

Seminars: Writing and Publishing the Short Story

Tuesday, June 7
6:30-9:30pm
826NYC (372 Fifth Avenue)
$50
Moderated by Charles McGrath, recent editor of The New York Times Book Review
Panelists include:

-Tom Perrotta, author of Election and Bad Haircut
-Shalom Auslander, author of Beware of God
-Adam Haslett, author of You Are not a Stranger Here
-Jennifer Carlson, agent with the Dunow, Carlson & Lerner Literary Agency
-Daniel Menaker, Vice President and Editor-in-Chief of Random House

Reservations may be made by calling 718.499.9884

Children Playing Before a Statue of Hercules, a reading hosted by David Sedaris

Tuesday, July 5
The Great Hall at Cooper Union (East 7th St. and 3rd Avenue)
$20
Tickets may be ordered at http://www.ticketcentral.com/showdetails_f.asp?i=366
or by calling Ticket Central at 212.279.4200

David Sedaris, along with Sarah Vowell, hosts an evening to celebrate the release of Children Playing Before a Statue of Hercules, the book he edited this year of his favorite short stories. There will be readings by several of the book’s contributors, including Lorrie Moore, Charles Baxter, Akhil Sharma, Joyce Carol Oates and maybe even a few surprise special guests.

UPCOMING WORKSHOPS:

Everyone's a Comedian: Write Your Own Jokes and Riddles
Taught by Marcy Zipke
Limited to 10 students, ages 8-11
1 Sunday session: June 12
12-2pm
For students who want to be the funniest kid on the block: This workshop will teach you how to create your own zany riddles. We will learn to manipulate language to make up original jokes and riddles based on whatever subject matter you choose.
By the end of this workshop, each student will create a personalized and illustrated riddle book to take home.

Skate and Create: How to Totally Create Your Own Skateboard Zine
Taught by Justin Hocking
Limited to 8 students, ages 11-16
3 Saturday sessions: June 11, 18, 25
2-4pm
In this workshop, we’ll actually go skateboarding in Manhattan’s Riverside Skatepark, where we’ll take some photos of ourselves dorking around. While we’re at it, we may also take artsy pictures of squirrels, birds, trees and airplanes. After we get rad, we’ll pool our various artistic contributions and create our very own skate zine. Skateboarders of all levels are welcome.
You’ll need to provide your own skateboard, as well as protective knee and elbow pads and a helmet.

From Start to Finish: A Poetry Workshop
Taught by Aimee Kelley
Limited to 10 students, ages 12-16
2 Monday sessions: June 20 & 27
6-8pm
In this class we will work on creating, revising, and presenting our own poems. We will look at poems by other poets, and try our hand at forms and exercises to get our pens flowing. After creating and honing our poems, we will present them to the class in a reading. Bring your favorite poem if you have one, and your imagination!

SUMMER PROGRAMS:

Story Hour
Elementary school students (and their parents)
Sundays, 1-2pm (July 10-August 28)
Each week will follow a similar format: We'll read a book aloud, talk about the story, and then an activity will take place. For example, one week may involve reading Green Eggs and Ham, talking about gross food, then challenging each student to devise a recipe to make [insert gross thing here] appealing (like Iron Chef, but with slug juice). Certain weeks we may have surprise guests (authors/artists) drop by and help read or answer questions.

Story Writing
All students
Sundays & Tuesdays, 2:30-5:30pm (starting mid-July)
In lieu of drop-in, we'll hold story writing sessions twice a week. Tutors will be available to help students working on independent writing projects. Other students will be given a weekly theme (monkeys, how-to guides, the color green, etc.) and challenged to write stories, which we'll put into a Gigantor Book publication. The last hour we'll devote to printing, binding, and decorating the booklets.

Summer Playwrights
Middle school students
Tuesdays & Thursdays, 2:00-5:00pm (July 5-21)
*Performance on Friday, July 22nd*
Over the course of three weeks 15 middle school students will write, direct, and produce an original play. At the end of the course, the play will be performed in the round (on our new deck!) in the backyard. This program's teachers include volunteer playwrights, actors, directors, choreographers, and designers.

Young Adult Writer’s Colony
High school students
Mondays & Wednesdays, 10:00-12:00pm (July 6-August 31)
This summer, 15 high school students will complete their first novels. They will meet twice weekly in groups of five to workshop their writing; each group will have plenty of opportunities to speak with guest authors, editors, and agents. In addition, students will have access to our writing center during quieter hours, when they might add to and perfect their manuscripts. And when the summer’s over and each student's manuscript is the best it can possibly be, we will devote our time and energies to putting each novel in print.

WISH LIST:

-MLA Handbooks
-Chicago Manual of Style
-Flash Drive, 513MB
-Digital Camera
-DV Video Camera
-Office Chairs
-Picnic Table & Chairs (for our new deck!)
-Patio Umbrella (also for the deck)
-G4s & G5s
-G3 Memory (for iMacs & Power MacG3s.)
-Internal IDE Drives
-Standard Single Button Apple Mice
-eMacs
-Flat Screen Monitors (Mac compatible)

For more information about making a donation, please email julia@826ncy.org. All in-kind donations are tax-deductible.

Thanks!

-----
826NYC
372 Fifth Avenue (between 5th and 6th streets in Park Slope)
Brooklyn, NY 11215
718.499.9884

826NYC is a nonprofit writing center dedicated to supporting students ages 6 to 18 with their creative and expository writing skills, and to helping teachers inspire their students to write. Our services are structured around our belief that great leaps in learning can happen with one-on-one attention and that strong writing skills are fundamental to future success. With this in mind we provide drop-in tutoring, after-school workshops, help for English language learners, and assistance with student publications. All of our programs are challenging and enjoyable, and ultimately strengthen each student's power to express ideas effectively, creatively, confidently, and in his or her individual voice.

Crap!

2005-05-19T21:22:00.000-05:00

I need to start remembering that the linguinie bolognese from Roman's gives me the goddam runs!

About four weeks of school left WOOWOO. Let me out for the summer, kids!

In a week or two I'll have a pretty cool announcement to make.

Back to the bathroom.

I can't stand it!

2005-05-09T14:57:00.000-05:00

The title is to be read in Charlie Brown's voice.

I usually like to think I'm beyond worrying what people think of me. But there's a reason that it seems that way. I don't mean to sound egotistical or anything, but people usually like me. I could count on two hands the people that have hated me in my life. And the truth is, every time it has happened, it shocks and hurts me like crazy.

There was Mrs. Sturgill, my typing teacher in high school. She was probably the first. God, she really loathed me and I never really knew why. But it started the pattern that generally is followed to this day. Someone hates me, for legit reasons or not, and first I'm shocked and really hurt. Then I try to get back at them for hurting me by being a big dick to them. This alternates with incredible guilt spirals where I try to just be really nice to them and as Christian as I can be. And then they show me again how much they hate me and the cycle begins anew.

I was telling the older sister of one of my favorite former students that I had to go home today and write an email to someone who hates me. "Why would you do that? If this person hates you, why write them an email?" I thought about it. It's pride, really. I want vindication. I want this person to see they're wrong to hate me. I want them to admit they're being mean and that I haven't done the things of which they've accused me.

I know I haven't been a great guy to this person. And I know a lot of this is my own fault. But I don't like being accused of specific things I haven't done. I don't like it because of pride. I see myself as a likeable guy, and I generally am. When this self-notion is challenged, it hurts. It hurts more than it should.

Dammit dammit.

2005-04-28T09:50:00.000-05:00

I'm an idiot. This you probably already know. But get this: I found my keys.

They were in my pants. In my pocket. The whole time.

However, they weren't in the right pocket. You know how some pants have that little pocket RIGHT above the main front pocket? Somehow my keys went in there. Four hundred bucks, right there.

On the other hand, the Supersuckers and Heavy Trash albums are fun as hell. And "Beverly Hills" just has me aching for Make Believe. Been a while since I was this excited by new music.

Dammit

2005-04-27T10:23:00.000-05:00

So I lost my keys somehow.

I really don't know how.

I had to call a locksmith around midnight to get me into my apartment. That cost about 400 bucks. The ATMs in my neighborhood go under lock and key around that time of night so the locksmith and I had to go driving to find a bank. A crackhead gave us actually good directions.

So I'm in my apartment but I don't have my outdoor key or my mail key. Also lost my school keys. And my landlord is out of the office this week for Passover. This is a bad vacation.

New Pope Belonged to Hitler Youth

2005-04-19T15:02:00.000-05:00

Really, check it out. And his damn name is RATZInger. Isn't now about the time that Captain America shows up and stops the Red Skull's evil plot? It's better and better to be a Protestant these days. We ain't Nazis, we ain't molesting, and we ain't pagan idolators.

A New Day Has Dawned

2005-04-14T17:01:00.000-05:00

Another teacher and I have traded students. I gave her B, the girl who's made my life hell for the year, and she gave me J, whose done likewise for her. The thing is, J behaves like an angel in my class, has for the past two years. He's scared shitless of me, frankly. But he also likes it. And B really needed to be with a female teacher.

In the PBE (Post-B***** Era) shit smells like roses and everything is happy inside. I feel like making out with life.

Don't get me wrong: my class is still a huge pain. But you've no idea how awful B made me feel day in and day out. This is a present. It is the awesomest.

Ed Memed me again.

2005-04-12T18:21:00.000-05:00

List five things that people in your circle of friends or peer group are wild about, but you can't really understand the fuss over. To use the words of Caesar (from History of the World Part I), "Nice. Nice. Not thrilling...but nice.".

1. Buffy. I hate bad dialogue. I don't like ugly people. I don't give a shit about genre TV. They come together in this show.

2. The Big Lebowski. What a self-important, egotistical film. Stoner artistes looking down their noses at everyone else. Utter crap.

3. Lost/Alias. See number 1.

4. Knights of the Dinner Table. I just don't get it, if there really is a joke.

5. Warren Ellis comics. Cut-rate writing with an attitude and a sneer. It's still cut-rate.

TEN random things about me:

10. Unlike Ed and Alan, I have an almost nonexistent olfactory sense. Which helps, especially after I eat a lot of Spanish food.
9. Someone once stole footage of me lit very provacatively in tighty whities.
8. I wore red Chuck Taylors for four years of my life.
7. I was a Lacoste fiend as a young lad. Would be today were I rich.
6. I've given up on being a writer, thankfully.
5. My cousin recently became a Mormon.
4. I hate the taste of Cool Ranch Doritos.
3. I used to wear an army helmet everywhere I went.
2. I have a high debris tolerance and a low whining tolerance.
1. I was a really fat baby.

NINE places I've visited:

9. NYC.
8. Las Vegas
7. Philadelphia, PA
6. St. Pete's Beach, FL
5. Dallas, TX
4. Omaha, NE
3. South Shore, NJ
2. Myrtle Beach, SC
1. Louisville, KY

EIGHT things I want to achieve in life:

8. See one of my students graduate college
7. Affect real change in the public education system.
6. Making Lisa happy. Really, really happy.
5. Get my PhD.
4. Live somewhere from which I'll never have to move.
3. Convert someone.
2. See friends publish their work/get their movies made, etc.
1. Find a politician I actually like.

SEVEN ways to win my heart:

7. Give a damn.
6. Feel things deeply, even if they're silly emotions.
5. Make fun of me.
4. Be open to thinks I like.
3. Let your guard down.
2. Wear a green t-shirt.
1. Have beautiful eyes.

SIX things I believe:

6. I believe in God the Father, maker of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, his only son our Lord (and so on).
5. Humanity is a shitty thing, but it can do amazing good.
4. Beauty can be found anywhere, and should be.
3. Jack Daniels is Tennessee swill.
2. Corporate capitalism is evil.
1. Rock and roll is a gift from God.

FIVE things I'm afraid of:

5. Sharks.
4. Things touching my eyes.
3. Losing my temper in class.
2. Hurting someone I love.
1. Losing someone I love.

FOUR of my favorite things:

4. Yasuda Sushi.
3. Great writing.
2. Beautiful girls.
1. My Gran.

THREE things I do everyday:

3. Get angry.
2. Laugh.
1. Fantasize.

TWO things I'm not trying to do right now:

2. Be depressed about my kids.
1. Get all writer-y.

ONE person I want to see right now:

1. Lisa.

How To Feel Bad

2005-04-12T14:37:00.000-05:00

1. Be an elementary school teacher in an economically bereft area.

2. Have conversations like:

you: "What's wrong?"

student: "My life."

"What about it?"

"I can't stop thinking about my mother."

(The mother that died last year while the student was in second grade. The year her grandmother died, two weeks later. This year no one died, but her apartment did catch fire.)

"What can I do to help you feel better?"

"Nothing."

"What's something that would make you feel better?"

"I just want to die."

I miss last year . . .

2005-03-31T19:59:00.000-05:00

Sigh.

I broke up a fight first thing this morning between three third graders. It was over nothing important.

The day got worse from there.

Movie Meme

2005-03-29T23:53:00.000-05:00

Via Johnny Bacardi.

- BOLD movies you own in your personal video/DVD library
- ITALICS for movies you have seen
- Leave plain movies you haven't seen
- Pass it on to three people at the end

The Big Red One (1980)
200 Motels (1971)
12 Angry Men (1957)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
28 Days Later (2002)
The 400 Blows (1959)
8 1/2 (1963)
Adaptation. (2002)
The Adventures of Robin Hood (1939)
After Dark, My Sweet (1990)
Aguirre, the Wrath of God (1972)
Ali: Fear Eats the Soul (1974)
Alien (1979)
All About Eve (1950)
Amadeus (1984)
Amarcord (1974)
American Beauty (1999)
The American President (1995)
American Splendor (2003)
The Animatrix (2003)
Annie Hall (1977)
The Apartment (1960)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
The Apu Trilogy (1959)
Around the Bend (2004)
Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
Au Hasard Balthazar (1966)
The Band Wagon (1953)
The Bank Dick (1940)
Barefoot Gen (Hadashi no Gen) (1983)
Batman (1989)
The Battle of Algiers (1967)
Battle Royale (Batoru rowaiaru) (2000)
The Battleship Potemkin (1925)
Beat the Devil (1954)
Beauty and the Beast (1946)
Being John Malkovich (1999)
Being There (1979)
Belle de Jour (1967)
The Bicycle Thief (1949)
The Big Heat (1953)
The Big One (1997)
The Big Sleep (1946)
The Birth of a Nation (1915)
Blowup (1966)
The Blue Kite (1993)
Blue Velvet (1986)
Bob le Flambeur (1955)
Body Heat (1981)
Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
Bound (1996)
Bowling for Columbine (2002)
Breathless (1960)
Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974)
Broken Blossoms (1919)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (Kabinett des Doktor Caligari, Das) (1920)
Casablanca (1942)
Chasing Amy
Children of Paradise (1945)
Chinatown (1974)
A Christmas Story (1983)
Citizen Kane (1941)
City Lights (1931)
Clerks
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
The Color Purple (1985)
Comic Book Villains (2002)
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
The Conversation (1974)
Cries and Whispers (1972)
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (Wo hu cang long) (2000)
Crumb (1994)
Damage (1992)
Daredevil (2003)
Day for Night (1973)
The Day of the Dolphin (1973)
Days of Heaven (1978)
The Decalogue (1988)
Detour (1945)
Die Hard (1988)
The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie (1972)
Do the Right Thing (1989)
Donnie Darko (2001)
Don't Look Now (1974)
Double Indemnity (1944)
Dr. Strangelove (1964)
Dracula (1931)
Duck Soup (1933)
Duoluo tianshi (1995) (Fallen Angels)
Dune (1984)
E.T - The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
The Earrings of Madame de... (1953)
Easy Rider (1969)
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Ed Wood (1994)
Elektra (2005)
The Elephant Man (1980)
El Norte (1983)
Eraserhead (1977)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
The Exterminating Angel (1962)
The Fall of the House of Usher (1928)
Fanny and Alexander (1983)
Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)
Fargo (1996)
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
F for Fake (Vérités et mensonges) (1976)
The Fifth Element (1997)
The Firemen's Ball (1968)
Five Easy Pieces (1970)
Floating Weeds (1959)
Four Rooms (1995)
Frida (2002)
From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
From Hell (2001)
Gates of Heaven (1978)
The General (1927)
Ghost World (2000)
Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
The Godfather (1972)
Goldfinger (1964)
Gone With the Wind (1939)
The Goodbye Girl (1977)
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1968)
GoodFellas (1991)
Gospel According to St. Matthew (1964)
Grand Illusion (1937)
The Grapes of Wrath (1940)
Grave of the Fireflies (1988)
Great Expectations (1946)
Greed (1925)
Groundhog Day (1993)
The Hand (1981)
A Hard Day's Night (1964)
The Hearts of Age (1934)
Hellboy (2004)
High Fidelity (2000)
Hoop Dreams (1994)
House of Games (1987)
The Hustler (1961)
Ikiru (1952)
In Cold Blood (1967)
The Incredibles (2004)
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
Jackie Brown (1997)
Jaws (1975)
JFK (1991)
Jules and Jim (1961)
Juliet of the Spirits (1965)
Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)
Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)
Killing Zoe (1994)
Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949)
King Kong (1933)
L'Atalante (1934)
L'Avventura (1960)
La Dolce Vita (1960)
The Lady Eve (1941)
The Lady from Shanghai (1947)
The Last Laugh (1924)
The Last Picture Show (1971)
Last Tango in Paris (1972)
Last Year at Marienbad (1961)
Late Spring (1972)
The Lathe of Heaven (1980)
Laura (1944)
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
Le Boucher / The Butcher (2003)
Le Samourai (1967)
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
The Leopard (1963)
The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp (1943)
The Lion King (1994)
Lolita (1962)
Lolita (1997)
Long Goodbye, The (1973)
Lost Highway (1997)
M (1931)
The Magnificent Ambersons (1942)
Mallrats
The Maltese Falcon (1941)
The Man Who Laughs (1928)
The Manchurian Candidate (1962)
Manhattan (1979)
The Matrix (1999)
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
McCabe & Mrs. Miller (1971)
Mean Streets (1973)
Metropolis (1926)
Mon Oncle (1958)
Moonstruck (1987)
Mr. Hulot's Holiday (1953)
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
The Music Room (1958)
My Darling Clementine (1946)
My Dinner With Andre (1981)
My Life to Live / Vivre sa Vie (1963)
My Neighbor Totoro (1993)
Nashville (1975)
Natural Born Killers (1994)
Network (1976)
The Night of the Hunter (1955)
Nights of Cabiria (1957)
Nosferatu (1922)
Notorious (1946)
Not Without My Daughter (1991)
On the Waterfront (1954)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
Orpheus (1949)
Out of the Past (1947)
Pandora's Box (1928)
Paris, Texas (1984)
The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928)
Paths of Glory (1957)
Patton (1970)
Peeping Tom (1960)
Persona (1966)
The Phantom of the Opera (1925)
Phantom of the Paradise (1974)
Pickpocket (1959)
Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)
Pinocchio (1940)
Pixote (1981)
Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987)
Playtime (1967)
Pollock (2000)
The Producers (1968)
The Prophecy (1995)
Psycho (1960)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Raging Bull (1980)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Raise the Red Lantern (1990)
Ran (1985)
Rashomon (1950)
Rear Window (1954)
Blue, White, Red (1994)
Red River (1948)
The Red Shoes (1948)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Return to Glennascaul (Orson Welles' Ghost Story) (1951)
Return To Oz (1985)
Rififi (1954)
The Right Stuff (1983)
Roger & Me (1989)
Romeo and Juliet (1968)
The Rules of the Game (1939)
Santa Sangre (1989)
Saturday Night Fever (1977)
Say Anything (1989)
Scarface (1983)
The Scarlet Empress (1934)
Schindler's List (1993)
Scrooge aka A Christmas Carol (1951)
The Searchers (1956)
Se7en (1995)
The Seven Samurai (1954)
The Seventh Seal (1957)
Shane (1953)
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Singin' in the Rain (1952)
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
Solaris (1972)
Some Like It Hot (1959)
South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)
Spider-Man (2002)
Spider-Man 2 (2004)
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
Star Trek Generations (1994)
Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
Star Wars (1977)
The Straight Story (1999)
The Strange Case of the End of Civilization as We Know It (1977)
The Stranger (1946)
Strangers on a Train (1951)
Stroszek (1977)
A Sunday in the Country (1984)
Superman (1978)
Sunrise (1928)
Sunset Boulevard (1950)
The Sweet Smell of Success (1957)
Swing Time (1936)
The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974)
A Tale of Winter (1992)
The Tao of Steve (2000)
Taxi Driver (1976)
The Terminator (1984)
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
The Thin Man (1934)
Thin Red Line, The (1998)
The Third Man (1949)
This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
Three Colors Trilogy (1994)
Three Women (1977)
Tokyo Story (1953)
Touch of Evil (1958)
Touchez Pas au Grisbi (1954)
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
The Trial (Procès, Le) (1962)
Trouble in Paradise (1932)
True Romance (1993)
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)
Ugetsu (1953)
Umberto D (1952)
Un Chien Andalou (1928)
Unforgiven (1992)
Unprecedented: The 2000 Presidential Election (2002)
The Up Documentaries (1985)
Vertigo (1958)
Victim (1961)
Walkabout (1971)
West Side Story (1961)
Where the Buffalo Roam (1980)
Wild at Heart (1990)
The Wild Bunch (1969)
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Wings of Desire (1988)
The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Woman in the Dunes (1964)
A Woman Under the Influence (1974)
A Woman's Tale (1992)
The Wonderful, Horrible Life of Leni Riefenstahl (Macht der Bilder: Leni Riefenstahl, Die) (1993)
Written on the Wind (1956)
X-Men (2000)
X-Men 2: X-Men United (X2) (2003)
xXx (2002)
Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942)
A Year of the Quiet Sun (1984)
Yellow Submarine (1968)

Finally, film school does something for me.

Added: The Thin Red Line, Fallen Angels, and The Long Goodbye.

I'm going to pass this one to Michael, Ed, and Galactus.

Things Students Have Said When Unwittingly Smelling My Farts

2005-03-28T18:04:00.000-05:00

"I think a rat died, Mr. Rice."

"There's something rotten in here."

"Oh, God! It's like a hundred farts mixed together!"

"Justin farted!" (insert any other child's name at different times)

Jesus was resurrected: historical fact

2005-03-27T20:37:00.000-05:00

The uniqueness—one could say oddity, or implausibility—of the story of Jesus' resurrection argues that the tradition is more likely historical than theological. Either from a "revelation" from the risen Jesus or from the reports of the earliest followers, Paul "received" a tradition that the resurrection was the hinge of history, the moment after which nothing would ever be the same. "If Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain ..." Paul writes. "Lo! I will tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet."

From Newsweek.

New Rule

2005-03-27T20:23:00.000-05:00

OK, no more goatees. Guys, they look stupid. They were in, what, a decade ago? Sure, we all had them then, but their time is up. You're not Stone Cold. You're not Evil Spock. You look like an idiot. Shave the damn thing.

For that matter, no "string" beards, those thin things around your jawline. That looks stupid, too. In fact, if you're going to have facial hair just grow the damn beard and bite the bullet. If you spend more time grooming your facial hair than dressing yourself, you've got a problem.

And don't ever, ever, ever pluck your goddam eyebrows.

What a difference it makes

2005-03-21T20:09:00.000-05:00

So, as you could tell, I was hatin' life. My kids were driving me nuts, the school system was doing it more, and I was generally in a bad place. Well, come open school night last week, everything changed. It started with dinner. Ate with three teacher friends. It really reminded me why I loved doing what I'm doing. Re-centered me. So, once I got back to school for the rest of the conferences I was on fire.

Remember that basketball video game? I think it was Double Dribble. If you made three baskets in a row, the announcer would say "He's on FIRE!" After that, until the other team fouled you or something, everything you shot would go in. You couldn't miss. Teaching can be like that, too.

I got to talk to all the parents I really needed to talk to. Some were very surprised at what I had to say. Suffice to say, things changed quite a bit the next day. For one, I was in a better mood. For another, my kids were more centered. And then the test scores started coming in. Well, practice test scores. My kids were getting higher and higher. Then I find out the practice test they did was way harder than the real one. We do one more like the real one and EVERY SINGLE ONE PASSED.

Now, that's not necessarily going to happen. And these tests are still pieces of shit. But my kids are getting better. We're all pumped right now and it feels great to be a teacher again.

Except when field trips go to hell, but they always do and that's no ones fault. Except the damn bus company.

Hack hack wheeze

2005-03-14T10:10:00.000-05:00

So it wasn't a cold. It was an infection. I guess in my sinuses, but then spread to my lungs, throat, the whole deal. A lot of fun and I'm still recovering. Much better now that I can think somewhat straight and the fever, it seems, has broken for good. So I called in sick Friday and today. Today I talked to my AP to let him know why I was out and that I'd be in for Parent-Teacher Day tomorrow no matter what. He let it slip that Friday, while I was out, my principal took that chance to go into my room and "clean things up." I don't know the extent of the damage but I was enRAGED when I found out. Now, it's silly to get that angry over something so minor but it's just more of a "last straw" type of situation. Being a male elementary teacher, I'm a bit of an oddity. And I'm naturally less neat than pretty much all of my coworkers. I just am and always will be. So they come in and bug me about it almost weekly. I clean up everything I can, have my kids clean, really do my best and it doesn't seem to be enough. It's the very definition of frustration. If I devote more time to organizing the way they want it, it will hamper my actual instruction time.

The proof will be in the pudding, from what I've heard. My kids' test scores. New York, in all its wisdom, has decided that third graders' promotion will be decided not on teacher opinion, classroom work and achievement, or how far they've come in the year, but on how they do on two standardized tests in April. They fail one of them, they fail third grade. No questions asked. It's complete and utter bullshit. These tests are designed to trick my kids. I'm forced to spend much of the year teaching the kids how to take these useless piece of shit tests instead of useful knowledge or skills. And if my kids don't do well, then I am a Bad Teacher. Never mind that my average kid came to third grade with first grade skills and that I've brought them up end of the year second grade/beginning third grade level skills. That's not fucking easy to do, but it doesn't matter, because they'll be tested on a level that, no matter how far they've come, they are not ready.

I keep hearing "No ones, Rice, no ones," (one being the lowest and failing score on the test). I'm going to have ones. I'm going to have a few. These children were not ready for third grade and they've done everything they can (well, most of them have). So they're going to be held back because of this useless test made for rich white pieces of shit, be put down and seen as failures and so will I.

Thanks a lot, New York Department of Education.

Holy Grails

2005-02-28T17:04:00.000-05:00

You know what's awesome? When you write a post and it doesn't go up and then it disappears. That's great. The best.

Anyway, this past week Lisa and I took her 12 year old cousin out for his birthday. This was awesome because 12 year old boys have pretty much the same ideas of fun that I do. One place we went was Toy Tokyo, a cool toy shop in the village. While checking out there, I saw a photo. The photo was of Audrey Tautou in that very shop holding an Amelie doll based on her. I knew then I had to have it.

Except it's real hard to find. They don't carry it anymore. Nothing on ebay, Amazon, and I haven't found it on Google. I'm afraid this may plague me for the rest of my days. What is a nerd to do? Just wish and hope and keep looking I guess. It'll be there with my Frank Quitely Marvel Family sketch, my night of drinking with Grant Morrison, and Weezer playing at my wedding. Fond dreams.

100 Things I Love About Comics

2005-02-15T14:38:00.000-05:00

Cunard is a bully.

1. The Marvel Family
2. Grant Morrison
3. Frank Quitely
4. Flex Mentallo: Man of Muscle Mystery
5. Optic Nerve/Adrian Tomine
6. Acme Novelty/Chris Ware
7. Dan Clowes
8. Los Bros. Hernandez/Love and Rockets
9. Plastic Man
10. Kyle Baker
11. Longshot
12. Art Adams
13. Darwyn Cooke
14. New Frontier
15. Robert Kirkman
16. Invincible
17. Alan Moore
18. Top Ten
19. Watchmen
20. Promethea
21. From Hell
22. Frank Miller
23. Sin City
24. DK2
25. Ronin
26. Lone Wolf and Cub
27. We3
28. Animal Man
29. Who’s Who
30. Ty Templeton
31. Adam Strange
32. Andy Diggle
33. Jock
34. Mike Allred
35. Paul Pope
36. Street Angel
37. Paul Grist
38. Ultra
39. 3D Man
40. Preacher
41. Garth Ennis
42. Steve Dillon
43. Mike Mignola
44. Eric Powell
45. Ed Brubaker
46. Michael Lark
47. Brian K. Vaughn
48. Runaways
49. Ex Machina
50. Lee/Kirby FF
51. Elliot S! Maggin
52. Alan Moore’s Rob Liefeld’s universe
53. Sgt. Rock
54. Characters with bandaged faces
55. Snake Eyes
56. DC 1 Million
57. newXmen
58. JRjr
59. Jay Stephens
60. Jetcat
61. Atomic City Tales
62. Jenkins/Lee Inhumans
63. Galactus
64. Iceman
65. Teen Titans (the cartoon)
66. Bruce Timm
67. Team-ups that shouldn’t happen but are fun anyway
68. Nick Fury
69. Fury by Garth Ennis
70. The excitement of Wednesdays
71. Grant Morrison’s interviews
72. Alan Moore’s interviews
73. Tommy Lee Edwards
74. Hellboy Jr.
75. Huge Retarded Duck
76. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
77. Jenkins’ The Sentry miniseries
78. Skrull Kill Krew
79. Marvel Boy
80. The Official Handbook for the Marvel Universe: Deluxe Edition
81. The Metal Men
82. Philip Bond
83. Jim Hanley’s Universe
84. St. Marks in Brooklyn
85. characters whose costumes cover their entire bodies and faces
86. the idea of the current Batgirl
87. excited discussions of what might happen next
88. The Invisibles
89. The Filth
90. Marshall Law
91. Hellboy
92. The Goon
93. Frankie
94. Bizarro
95. Bizarros
96. Bizarro World
97. Bizarro Comics
98. Matter Eater Lad
99. The Five Years Later Legion
100. Moon Knight/Werewolf by Night/Shroud/Shroud’s group

Here's a tip

2005-02-14T18:11:00.000-05:00

If you're going to be moving, and you want to hire mover/packers to do it last minute, don't go with 212 Moving. They gave me a price and a time, came on that time, said it was going to be 800 extra at least for the packing (which was included, supposedly, in the first price). I didn't want to do that so they gave me some boxes (apparently, 200 some dollars worth of fucking cardboard) and Lisa was an angel and came and helped me pack all night. They were an hour and a half late the next day and ended up charging me almost double the original amount. In the meantime, I'd missed the power guys, the gas guys, and the phone guys. The very next day I had to fly to Florida for a school thing. By the way, Florida fucking sucks. No wonder those shitting assholes can't get their voting abilities together, the place is a shithole.

So I'm finally moved in, I finally have heat, and I finally have phone service. I actually really like my new place. I've already found an amazing Italian bakery and a great actual Mexican joint. The apartment itself is much bigger than anything I've had before and Lisa has done an amazing job helping me set up. I'd be living out of boxes without her.

Stupid Ed Cunard

2005-02-09T10:40:00.000-05:00

He memed me or something. So here we go.

1. Total amount of music files on your computer:

A whole damn lot. But when I recently got my computer rebuilt the sound stopped working. And I never called the guys to get that fixed. So all that shit I downloaded in college is still there, but I can't listen to it.

2. The last CD you bought was:

I think it was the remastered Back in Black by AC/DC.

3. What is the song you last listened to before reading this message?

Some awful dinner-theater talentless shitfucks singing something about education.

4. Write down 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.

1. "Only in Dreams" -- Weezer
2. "Whiskey River" -- Willie Nelson
3. "Cheatin' Heart" -- Hank Williams Sr.
4. "Alive and Amplified" -- Mooney Suzuki
5. "So Whatcha Want?" -- The Beastie Boys

5. Who are you going to pass this stick to? (3 persons) and why?

Zack Braff, Galactus, and Michael Pullman, because I want to know and I have them linked.

I hate moving

2005-02-03T13:32:00.000-05:00

I really do. I can think of few things that make me this upset. I hate packing, I hate moving, I hate unpacking. I loathe them. You have no idea. As soon as I know it's going to happen I get all worked up. I get nervous, stressed, freaked out. And that doesn't really happen to me much otherwise. But moving really fucks with me. I'm moving tomorrow. Found a place on Monday. On Sunday, I'm going on a school trip to Florida (no kids). Also, I'm sick as hell right now. This is such a lovely combination that I can't think straight.

Luckily, I hired packer/movers. But I want it done with NOW. This is THE SUCK. I've taken down all my posters, packed all my toys, dissembled part of my shelving units, even bagged up most of the dirty laundry. BLARG BLARG BLARG. This is the worst. I hate it. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.

That is all.

New Best Thing a Kid Said

2005-01-27T10:21:00.000-05:00

This one actually made me do a listening-double take. A "What did you just say?"

"Mr. Rice, can I wash my hands? They're covered with boogers."

Yesterday was awful and today RULES. Any day with that quote is fine with me.

For those of you interested . . .

2005-01-26T21:42:00.000-05:00

My latest comic reviews are up.

Rough day at school. Good comics made the pain go away. And a pretty decent West Wing. And damn good sushi.

It's the little things. Just two days till the weekend . . .

"What's that?" "It's a liger."

2005-01-26T15:42:00.000-05:00

"What's a liger?"

"It's my favorite animal. It's a cross between a lion and a tiger. It's bred for it's abilities in magic."

Braffy hilarity

2005-01-26T11:08:00.000-05:00

Did you know Zack Braff had a blog? Well he does. It's in my links section now. He's an extremely talented writer, director and actor. And his blog seems to be funny, too. Yay! NOW I FEEL LIKE WE ARE PALS!

Horrible Drunk Nerds

2005-01-25T07:20:00.000-05:00

A comic about happy. Do check it out. It's both educational and entertaining.

Birthday Badassery

2005-01-24T15:29:00.000-05:00

So Lisa had let me know that my birthday present this year was going to be a smoking jacket, all Hef style and such. But she kept talking about it a bit too much and I began to get suspicious. So when I get to her place Friday we see the box has arrived. It doesn't feel like a smoking jacket.

I open it up and it's . . .a helmet? I think, "Holy crap! She got me a tard helmet! That's hilarious!" But then she points out the earphones. It's this badass helmet designed for snowboarders who want to listen to their discmans or whatever while going down the mountain! It's freakin' incredible! Here are some of the reasons why:

1. I always break my headphones. Not now!

2. I always forget my hats in the winter. Not now!

3. In college, I used to bum around in an old WWII army helmet, and I kind of missed that.

I hope to get a picture of two of me with it on up soon. You will all be amazed.

Wait no more, here I am. I am so beautiful. You may kiss your computers, but not the real me.

HOORAY CONTEST!

2005-01-20T17:33:00.000-05:00

OK, so I'm clearly not writing my comic reviews here anymore. They'll be posted on Comics Should Be Good. This blog is becoming more just a thing for personal stuff: classroom stories, photos, movie or music talk, etc.

So the "Joe Rice Media Review" name doesn't really work. I'm also incredibly stupid, so I can't think of a decent replacement. So how about this: the person that comes up with and posts the idea I like best for a new title for this blog will get a FREE GIFT! Yes, I will pick one (1) "cool thing" and I will give it to you.

That is exciting.

So enter.

Recent Kiddie Antics

2005-01-18T17:56:00.000-05:00

I saw two of my really well-behaved girls passing a note back and forth so I read it.

"Dear Laura,

You are my best friend. You are so nice. If you tell anyone I WILL KILL YOU.

Isabelle"

I wondered if this was some sort of joke so I let the experiment go on. They kept passing notes to each other like "You're so sweet, thank you. Tell anyone and I WILL KILL YOU." When I read that one they both giggled.

My kids are weird.

-------------------------

The other day, as we're getting started on our writing work, Justin raises his hand.

"Mr. Rice, I forgot to tell you something on the carpet." I figure he remembered something about our lesson on how characters interact with each other. He continues, "One time my dad got hit with a tranquilizer gun."

This is simultaneously hilarious, depressing, and fascinating.

Etch-a-genius

2005-01-17T21:35:00.000-05:00

Here's something I've been meaning to post for a while. Did you know that my fiancee is an Etch-a-sketch genius? It is true. She never even had one when she was a kid, but a recent purchase has brought more and more complicated offerings. Here's the one for which I have the best photo:

I'll try to get more out of her in the future.

Birfday

2005-01-17T21:17:00.000-05:00

So Tuesay's my birthday. I had a little party at my place this weekend and it was a hell-ton of fun. Lisa really out-did herself with the spread: a cheese plate, two varieties of stuffed tomatoes (one with herbed goat cheese and one with bacon, lettuce, and mayo), spicy-meat-a-balls, toasted nuts, garlic toast, whoopie pie (God's dessert), sangria, and chocolates from Leonidas, my favorite chocolatier. Delish.

The crowd was varied and fun. First arrived was Mr. John Bartol, straight in from JFK. John's the first guy I ever met in person from the internet, so it's appropriate. He's the big brother that never wanted me, or something like that. Soon after John arrived, the CBR contingent made it:

(left to right: Lena, Brian Cronin, his girlfriend Jean, and Michael.)

Much comics talk commenced as Lisa and Jinah acted interested. Next up was f-dot and his friend, whose name I think was Yukari. At this point, everyone at the party was someone I had met through the internet, or through someone I met through the internet. Good times, but spooky.

Around then, things started getting more mixed up. At about ten o'clock, the party exploded. It was jam packed and difficult to navigate. Anyone who is anyone was there, from Anxious Alex Cox

To three supermodel assassins from the Invisibles

To at least one guy I've never met before.

As the party went on, it became clearer and clearer, that no matter who my friends are, they are nerds. Everyone talked comics at least once, and knew their shit. My original art was gone through a few times, and I'd often come in and see a bunch of folks reading comics off my rack, girls, guys . . .everyone loves comics.

Though it would be later known as "the one I didn't need," it felt right to down a shot of bourbon with the former Writerboy, Mike.

All in all, I had a great time, and thanks to everyone who came. Special thanks to Brant Englestein, who went out and found my very favorite wine of all time. Yum. I leave you with dignity, as usual.

Wait, I have a blog?

2005-01-17T21:07:00.000-05:00

Yes, yes, yes. It's been a long time since I've posted. I know that. I'm sorry. I've had things to talk about, but I've spent most of my time at my collaborative blog. BUT Mr. Ed Cunard recently showed me an easy way to put pictures on the blog, and I am a SUCKER for pictures.

I went with my fiancee and her sister to my hometown in Kentucky for Christmas. We all had a great time (due in no small part to the shortness of our stay). The food was probably the highlight, from my Gran's fried chicken, mashed potatoes (hell, anything she made) to the excellent diner fare here:

The Bluegrass is an old-school greasy spoon with unbeatable onion rings, hot dog sauce (chili to the rest of you), and it's famous "Flying Saucer" burger (two beef patties, special cole slaw, and a slew of other goodness). That last one is the one I'm recommending here:

If this doesn't seem amazingly fascinating, please understand that this is also a test run for the picture posting.

But you just can't miss with a New York girl amazed with how gluttonous Appalachian folks shopping at Super Walmart can be.

Dance like a robot!

2004-12-15T19:56:00.000-05:00

First off, a Link to my new comic reviews.

With that out of the way, let me get to the good stuff. The new way I amuse myself at school is writing letters to students. I usually write to students in my friend Lizette's class. They're the "honors" class of third graders and they're a fun bunch. The thing is, I don't write them from me. I write as Fernando, the magical elf from the future.

Of course, being the gifted class they all immediately recognized my handwriting.

Still, it's fun to keep sneaking them into their desks while they're not there and denying that it's me. I give them glimpses of the future, when they're all important and saved the world. I tell them things they have to learn to make sure the world is saved. Stuff like the planets, multiplication, and how to dance like a robot.

Today I even wrote one as an evil robot, discouraging them from dancing like a robot, since that destroys evil robots and keeps humans free from their rule.

It's a lot of fun.

One wrote back yesterday and she was hilarious. She advised me to stop my lies and that the world doesn't need Fernando.

These kids crack me up.

Links: ALL ABOUT ME!

2004-12-13T17:44:00.000-05:00

I have to say, I'm prouder of my Critique of Crisis than of almost anything I've ever done.

If you buy this for me I will love you forever and perhaps even longer.

I feel special

2004-12-10T07:09:00.000-05:00

Hey, guys. Yes, you're right: I didn't review the comics this week. I'm sorry. I've been busy with a lot of behind-the scenes power brokering. The purpose, you ask? Creating Comics Should Be Good, a new comic critique blog featuring myself, Brian Cronin, Alex Cox, Tadhghg Difficultname, and Paul "The Wall" Teel. Check it out, there's already some good stuff there. It's going to be the place for in-depth comic discussion, while this blog will remain around for personal stuff, other media, and occasionally some comic stuff, too.

MORE OF ME TO ENJOY!

Joe's War Journal, Entry #3482

2004-12-07T21:03:00.000-05:00

Flies. Flies. Goddam flies. They're everywhere. And by everywhere I mean a few in my kitchen. The trick to really killing the fuck out of a fly is to trap it in the bathroom. Smaller in there. Easier to target it with the Tilex. Then you whop it with the plunger. My floor is littered with the corpses of my insect enemies.

Beer bottles are also useful. Leave them out after done. Flies crawl in, get intoxicated, and can't crawl out. They die their in their own filth. I saw a moldy fly today. Fuck you, buddy. You shouldn't have come in my apartment.

Moving along.

I watched a damn fine movie tonight. Years ago, Charles "hellgirl" Lyons recommended it to me. Said it had that magic Malick feel. If you don't know, Terrence Malick is the greatest living American director, and that with only three films to his 20some year career. A lyrical master with an eye for detail unheard of elsewhere. Anyway, this one's by David Gordon Green, and even though I really liked his All the Real Girls (in fact, it's the movie that awful screenplay I posted a bit from would be if it wasn't, well, awful), I never got around to renting George Washington. Takes place in a small southern town, and it's mostly about a group of early teen kids and their life one summer. One of them dies and they cover it up. But a plot synopsis doesn't do it justice. Really great work from everyone involved. Unknown actors just really feeling it. Cinematography worth drools, and great scripting well said.

It's even got a lot of superhero iconography, as George becomes obsessed with being a hero. Starts wearing a costume and cape. Malick won't ever be doing a superhero movie, so this is the closest we nerds can get. Please, do yourselves a favor. Check it out and soak it in.

Turns out part of my nasty moods lately was perhaps a hunger for artistic beauty. My CBReak (half-assed as it is) will provide some extra time to rebrush up on great films. Time to rewatch some Malick and Wong Kar-Wai. And, hell, can't go wrong with Amelie.

Damage

2004-12-06T20:32:00.000-05:00

Strain in my neck, it's always the same side. Yuengling, baby, ease the pain. Ease it with rock and roll. Finished with most of my Christmas shopping. Marathon session, you know it. Future in-laws, parents, grandmothers, Cousin, friends . . .fiancee only partially done.

All I want for Christmas is to get these fucking flies out of my apartment. Every night from 7 to 15 flies somehow find their way in. I kill them like a goddam Tilex Ninja. I got strategies and shit. But they always come back. Even had two bastards caught in a beer bottle.

Arrested Development is one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. With that and Scrubs, it is a pretty good time for sitcom comedy. Has there ever been two greats on like this? Of course, just before I gave a shit.

So, some points:

DC's Misogyny

So the women of DC haven't had a good year. Raped, murdered, abused . . .there's been a lot of nasty shit going around. It's typical, really: who reads superhero comics? Boys. What gets a boy all riled up? A girl being hurt. Nearly every man has had the anti-fantasy "What I would do to the man who hurt mom/girlfriend/gran/teacher." So you want the boy audience to really hate a bad guy, have him really hurt a female character. Sue Dibny's rape served as a "pump up" to get the Justice League to act out of character. Spoiler's beating and death was a "pump up" to get Batman all sad and shit. (What's with superheroes crying these days? Who thinks that's fun?)

That said, I've seen some shit thrown at Superman/Batman 15 for that. Now, I've hated that book from day one. I've just found it to be really poorly-written and easy, and, with Turner, ugly as dog ass. But the current arc is light and fun alternate-timeline superhero fun. With awful narration. So Evil Superman kicks the shit out of Wonder Woman and some people cry foul again.

I call bullshit. The violence to WW in that scene had nothing to do with her being a woman, and it had nothing to do with motivating her strong male companion. It was a fight scene. It was nasty, but it was a superhero fight like any other. Women in comics are subject to the same rules as males. If they're superheroes, they'll be the subject of violence.

(May I just interject that Chuck D + the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion = hardon?)

There's nothing misogynistic about the WW/Superman fight scene. The stuff I find objectionable is when a woman is subjected to violence or violation not as a part of her own story, but as a plot point in "their man's" story. That, my friends, is the straight up gross nasty.

Zoom!

While shopping tonight I saw a cook book, something about a chef father and his teenage daughter . . .and on the cover, the chefdad was wearing a Reverse Flash symbol T-shirt. HE IS A VILLAIN DO NOT BUY HIS BOOK! HE KILLED BARRY'S WIFE!

Holy crap, it's nine o'clock?

(Blues Explosion + DJ Shadow also = woo.)

Have good nights, folks.

And, because I'm mean

2004-12-02T19:41:00.000-05:00

Here's a page or two of the screenplay I apologized to and for in the apology piece. I haven't looked at it in ages. It only got worse from here:

Fade to:

INT. AIRPLANE. NIGHT

ANNA CHASE, a young girl of nineteen or twenty, reads an in-flight magazine without interest. She'll look at the page for only a second or two before looking about the cabin or at her watch. She is wearing a gray T-shirt with "UNLV" inscribed on the chest in red. Her light brown hair is in a casual ponytail. Her body language suggests youthful impatience. Finger-tapping, eye-rolling, lip-chewing.

INT. J.R. ROBINSON'S GRILL. NIGHT

The restaurant/bar is bustling with Wednesday night activity. Men and women try desperately to find each other interesting, and the air is filled with hollow laughter. There is a large mirror behind the full-stocked bar.

INT. BACK OFFICE. NIGHT

BRANT EISENBERG, 24, gazes through the one-way window to the bar with relaxed intensity. He cuts a striking figure, the angles of his face sculpted by genetics and time to that of a very handsome man. He is immaculately dressed; his shirt and tie are far more fashionable than his patrons' old Polo shirts. His eyes are like that of a great cat on a nature program: calm, controlled, and predatory.

INT. AIRPORT. NIGHT

Activity is low at Murdock Memorial Air Port. There are only three gates . . .the floor is covered with out-dated orange carpeting. The walls are lined with paintings of fat old white men in even older suits. A few family members and other assorted loved-ones wait in various levels of anticipation for the final flight to arrive. At the end of one row of seats are ANDREW CHASE and his friend LEWIS YU. Lewis, a Chinese-American man in his late-middle-twenties, wears a white T-shirt, blue jeans, and an old white cowboy hat. He is wide-eyed and nervous; he glances at his watch and out the window and taps out a little rhythm on his legs. Andrew (in a white button-down shirt and khaki slacks) smirks, shrugs his shoulders, and returns to reading the three-month-old newsmagazine he found.

Fade to white.

Fade to:

INT. ANDREW'S TRUCK. NIGHT

Anna is flanked by Andrew at the wheel and Lewis next to her. Lewis' arm is around her and her head is cocked towards his shoulder. From time to time, oncoming headlights illuminate the trio brightly.

EXT. J.R. ROBINSON'S. NIGHT

The lights to the restaurant are off, but one comes on in the apartment upstairs, showing a silhouette.

INT. BRANT'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

Brant peers out his window, a robe loosely draped over him. He smokes a cigarette and cool-ly scans the streets below.

INT. BRANT'S BEDROOM. NIGHT

A NAKED WOMAN sleeps soundly on the bed.

INT. BRANT'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

The apartment is sparsely, functionally, yet stylishly decorated, in the way that a man with taste, some money, and no family can afford. Large TV and stereo, a bookcase lined with new and older novels and the odd baseball trophy from time to time. There are no photographs anywhere.

Brant takes his cigarette and places it in his mouth. He tightens his robe a bit and walks, cigarette dangling, to a modestly-appointed desk. He pulls out a classy, but well-used day planner and peruses through pages of notes, names, and numbers. He gets to the day that just ended and crosses it out. The next day's inscription is simply "Kid's Homecoming Party."

EXT. DOWNTOWN ASHLAND. DAY

Downtown is empty. Nearly, at least. The streets are littered with empty storefronts and a few holdovers from the pre-mall age: a drug store that still serves soda, an Army/Navy surplus store, a couple bars. Cars are parked only near restaurants, one of the two remaining industries in Ashland. On one corner is J.R. Robinson's.

INT. JR ROBINSON'S. DAY

There is a light mid-Saturday crowd, mulling about the bar and tables. The far corner is decorated with a computer-printout "Welcome Back Kid" banner. In said corner, Brant, Lewis, Andrew, Anna, and a few more of Anna's age sit around a table. All are laughing, and even Brant smiles. They chew their food while telling stories.

Best Unfinished Screenplay EVER

2004-12-02T19:35:00.000-05:00

At one point in film school, my buddy Justin Ott asked me to write a screenplay for his senior thesis. His only request was that it would be something way out there no one else had done. So I immediately began working on my kung fu rock opera. Three pages later, Justin wisely decided to write his own screenplay. But, for your amusement, here are those three pages:

BLACK

FRED (VO)

When my fish committed suicide, I really thought I hit rock bottom.

EXT. STREET. DAY

People walk around, some rather nervously. Every now and then they trip or fall as if pushed, or look as if someone punched them, though no one can be seen.

FRED (VO, CONT'D)

But then those damn commie Chinese had to finally go and listen to those damn stupid activists. They went and freed Tibet.

A MAN is brutally beaten by an invisible assailant.

FRED (VO, CONT'D)

And ain't it just like a commie to never mention the fact that Tibetans were all assholes, or that they could turn invisible. Damn invisible Tibetan sunsabiches. Without China holding them back, the freed Tibetans wreaked havoc around the world.

Another man, FRED, watches with mild interest. He's disheveled like a film noir detective turned homeless. His clothes might have once been designer, but now they're just a hodge-podge of wrinkles. A cigarette dangles from his lips.

FRED (VO, CONT'D)

I was used to gettin' my ass kicked from years at public school. Wear a Dungeons and Dragons shirt one day in second grade and it's like open season for ten years. As long as I had my love I'd be OK.

EXT. LIQUOR STORE. DAY

Fred looks at the neon sign with religious awe. This place is holy to him. He moves and speaks reverently.

FRED

Sweet luscious booze! Fill my existential void!

Fred walks in eagerly.

INT. FRED'S APT. DAY

Fred enters cradling a bag full of liquor. The apartment is small to the point of ridiculousness. He has a bed, a small TV, and a table. He sits on the bed and takes out the bottles of liquor. He smiles and for a moment just takes in his bounty. The table and the bottles begin to shimmy and even shake. Fred's eyes go wide in horror. ECU on his eyes as the sound of a bottle breaking is all we hear.

FRED

[livid]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ECU on his screaming mouth as another bottle goes.

FRED

NO OH GOD NO! TAKE ME INSTEAD!

He grabs the remaining bottles in his arms trying to protect them. He struggles against invisible Tibetans trying to open his arms. One begins punching Fred's face. He does his best to resist, but his arms fly open and he only saves one bottle from crashing to the floor. He is in anguish.

FRED

ARRRRRGH! DAMN SHAOLIN SHITHEADS! THAT'S MY BOOZE!

The Tibetan goes after the remaining bottle. Fred keeps a tight grip. He is determined to save his beer. His face is pure grit.

FRED (VO)

I could feel my fingers slipping. That beer was the last thing on this earth that I cared about, the last thing infused with any meaning or feeling. It was all I had left.

Sweat drips on his brow.

FRED (VO CONT'D)

That's when HE appeared, like some kind of appearing person.

In the doorway stands FACELESS KUNG FU PRIEST. FKFP wears a black flowing robe with a Catholic Priest's collar. On his face is a blank white mask, completely expressionless. A hood covers the rest of his head. A large sack is on his back. Fred sees him and stares, confusedly, while still struggling with the invisible Tibetan. FKFP enters the room and assumes a wicked martial arts stance. He kicks the unseen man and the fight is on.

In the ensuing hand-to-hand battle, FKFP's hands and feet move at extraordinary speed. He feints, he dodges, he blocks, he punches, he kicks. From time to time he appears to be on the receiving end of a blow, but he quickly recovers. After a while, he delivers a bigger punch and stops as his opponent falls to the ground. There is a tense moment as he hovers over the Tibetan, prodding the prone man with his foot. He then picks him up and tosses him out the door. Fred is astonished. FKFP exits while Fred's mouth stays open.

Fade to black.

INT. FRED'S APT. ANOTHER DAY

Fred smokes and drinks on his bed while watching the TV. The news is on.

VIDEO FOOTAGE:

INT. NEWS STUDIO. DAY

A stone-faced anchor sits at the desk and laughs fakely.

ANCHOR

HA HA HA HA HA HA! I guess that's ONE kitty cat that won't be climbing trees any more! HA HA HA HA HA!

I Hate Nerds and Uglies

2004-12-02T19:32:00.000-05:00

This is probably my favorite editorial I ever wrote:

Man, I can’t stand nerds. They’re all the time nerding about, all nerdily-like. I mean, really, what’s their hell-damn problem? Once I knew this nerd that was so nerdy his dick fell off, I swear to shit! That’s pretty nerdy, but that’s not the half of it. See, ever since Revenge of the Nerds came out and that nerd-nuts Bill Gates got rich, some people have been getting it in their dumb heads that it’s “OK” to be a nerd. Well, it isn’t. Sure, gays are cool, the races are all fine, and even some Europeans aren’t totally evil, but this growing trend of nerdism in America is just plain wrong.
Nerds are unappealing in every way. They don’t know that no one else enjoys talking about Star Wars or Superman or EverQuest or their fucking dildo calculators. Yeah, that’s right, they use their calculators as dildos. You’re probably thinking “That shit is sick,” and you’d be right. But these nerd fucks just keep on trying to nerdify everyone with their nerd talk. Fuck you buddy, I’m an American and I like to fuck, so you can take your no-fuckin nerdosity and shove it up your nerd ass!
Moving along, I’ve noticed that there are far too many ugly people in this world. Shit Oh Pete! I was in the airport yesterday and I only saw one good-looking dude and one good-looking girl. What the shit! Am I just slow to realize this or did all the hot people die of hotness or something? I saw the ugliest girl ever . . .I thought she was a burn victim or a retard or something. Nope, she was just ugly.
Let me go on a tangent here for a moment. Something else I hate would be the world of fashion models and that kind of shit. Hey, Cosmo, Vogue, Playboy, and Hollywood: FUCK YOU! There was a time where people could figure out for themselves what they thought was hot, but now it’s some exaggerated, cartoonish, unfuckingreasonable shit with girls that would probably break if you actually embraced them. Eat shit, all you fucknuts for trying to tell me who’s hot. I damn well know who’s hot, my eyes, brain, and dick tell me, not you.
Back to this ugly girl . . .see, I digressed to let you know that this girl wasn’t just “not supermodel.” She resembled a piece of rocksalt with blonde hair. But, hey, whatever, it’s her right, I guess. I didn’t even really mind when she sat next to me. I was listening to music anyway. But when she tells me to turn it down . . .well, in my mind, you just don’t turn AC/DC down. Bitch probably didn’t like RAWK cause RAWK is a lot like fuckin’, and that’s one thing she’ll never do with a real person. Sure, I may have politely complied but I’ll be damned if I didn’t think bad things about that ugly whore the rest of the plane ride. Man, she’d have been sorry if I had the nuts to say it out loud. But I guess she’s suffered enough, what with the horrible-assed ugliness.
You’d think natural selection would have weeded out all the uglies by this point. Fuck you, Darwin, they’re still here! There’s so many of them that they usually end up finding a similar ugly and they get drunk or close their eyes and next thing you know they’re poppin’ out ugly fucking babies. I know some people claim all babies are cute, but by hell, half the babies I’ve ever seen looked like a cross between Alfred Hitchcock and a potato. And while individually, I like both those things, neither is attractive.
So, in conclusion, allow me to summarize. Nerds fucking suck and should cease interacting with and spreading among real people. (I stop short of calling for their abolishment for then who would we beat up in high school, and who would support our lucrative science fiction collectibles market, and who would make porno more accessible via the Internet?) Secondly, uglies should show some dignity and not fuck each other and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY KNOCK OFF ALL THAT MAKING MORE UGLY PEOPLE!

From the Archives . . .

2004-12-02T19:29:00.000-05:00

Been going through some of my old text files and found a few things I thought I'd share with you faithful blog readers. All six of you. These are things I've written at some point in the last few years that for some reason I find commentable.

First is a letter of apology I wrote for a magazine I used to edit in college. Years later, they asked me to write something for the anniversary issue and this was it.

Apologies

When Pat Stango contacted me via his special Plague Trans-Spatial Text Device and asked me to write a piece for The Plague's anniversary issue, several things went through my head. Who the hell is Pat Stango? This isn't someone I had sex with, was it? I hope he/she's hot.

I poured through my remaining issues of said illustrious illustrated and soon realized he was that one guy who was kind of funny. So then I started thinking of all the zany, fun things I could write for him. Perhaps a piece where I curse a lot! That was always a good stand-by. And it's not like I started liking the Fatties, Uglies, or Oldies. I could write about them for decades, they suck so much.

But I decided that those days were over. I'm a responsible adult now, who drinks with moderation when he drinks at all; who's had a steady girlfriend for months without a desire to break away; who educates young children in Bushwick. Yes, the time for being mean is over. It is time to make amends. So, sorry Pat. I'm not going to write anything funny. I'm going to use this public forum to make my apologies to those I've offended over the years.

To all the aforementioned Fats, Uglies, Olds, and so on, I'm sorry that I dislike you so much and so loudly. You rarely do anything more to me than take up too much space, smell bad, or cause depression, but that never stopped me from abusing you. Sorry.

To Rick Litvin, representing NYU's Film School in general, I'm sorry I was such a dick. I was so caught up in being unpretentious that I became some sort of Anti-Pretentious. When Anti-Pretentious and Pretentious met, a thousand parallel worlds suffered their demise. Therefore I am also sorry to the Earth 2 Joe Rice, the Earth A Randolph Scott, the Earth 616 Captain Britain, and the infinite varieties of Sam Waltons.

I specifically apologize to my freshman film colloquium class. I should not have removed my shirt during our last class for no real reason. I apologize to anyone else who has ever seen me at all naked. My deformities are my own and should not be foisted upon the general public.

To Garret Levin, I must apologize. I don't know why I didn't like you when we first met, but I doubt any reason I had was significant enough to warrant screaming "HEY GARRET! EAT SHIT!" from across the dining hall whilst pantomiming the action I commanded you.

I apologize to Ronnie. I shouldn't have repeatedly fucked your girlfriend, and I should at least probably remember your last name. It was something Jewish. So I guess I'm sorry for the Anti-Semitism rampant in my German ancestors as well.

To the Plague itself, I apologize. After I graduated, I made a series of ill-fated visits to my former magazine, always while intoxicated. I'm sorry for urinating in front of you, for coming on to you, and for too-obviously getting my groove on with a one-night stand at your prom. My bad.

I apologize to anyone and everyone that knew me that I let that affair with Ronnie's girlfriend turn me into such a drunken mess. I'm sorry to the Reservoir's bathroom, whose soap dispenser I broke in anger far too many times; and to its tables and walls which suffered from many knife attacks from yours truly. If I ever threatened anyone with a knife, I'm also sorry about that. Unless you were fat.

Tia, I'm sorry I didn't have sex with you even though you wanted me to. Perhaps you might learn that a first date isn't the time to tell someone you're a drug-abusing nymphomaniac. I'm also sorry you had to settle for my creepy friend. I'm even sorrier you told girls I dated later on that I was an insane person who thought that God spoke directly to him. It's much more indirect, I thought I explained that.

I apologize to the NYU populace in general for leaving the Plague in the hands of people whose comedic ability is limited to that of making "cab drivers are foreigners" jokes. I apologize again to the Plague for just insulting you in that last apology.

To my former roommate Anna, I apologize. I apologize for being drunk and messy all the time. I apologize for getting in shouting matches because we were both so miserable. I apologize for burning that GI Joe figure outside our apartment. I still say that the bloody snot in the shower wasn't mine, though.

To my senior thesis screenplay, I apologize for letting real-life problems invade you and make you unbelievably crappy. For anyone that read it, I apologize, especially for the amount of crying the main characters did and also how it really sucked bad.

Who am I forgetting? Oh, yeah. I apologize to Alpha Phi Omega. I kept adding a "Y" to all your posters when your office was across from the Plague's. I'm sorry that your comeback of adding a "D" to our name was really lame. I also rubbed my bare ass on your doorknob. I realize you'd never done anything to me other than be boring, and my actions were uncalled for.

I apologize to my English teachers for ending that last sentence with a preposition.

To the Gotham Writer's Workshop I owe many apologies. At some point, I decided that you were my arch-foes. So I began toppling your little yellow brochure stands whenever I saw them, especially when inebriated. I know that my true beef is with your evil Gotham Writer's Workshop Commander, not the mindless drones on the streets. The Commander shall pay, though, don't you worry. He'll pay DEARLY.

I'd like to tell the Womyn's Center I'm sorry for the counter-productivity some of our staff and some of your members got involved in. In the end, I think we mostly believed the same things, but we were assholes and you were poltical. I'd like to reiterate that WE didn't like Brian and Seth either.

I apologize to the enemy agent code-named "Dragon Assassin" for not kicking your ass in Saigon when I had the chance. I apologize to the families of the men and women he killed before I did finally put him out of commission.

I also apologize for blatantly making things up sometimes to make my life sound like an action movie.

In closing, I suppose I should apologize to the reader for writing such an unfunny bit for the Plague. But after reading the past few issues, it seems that it's no longer a humor magazine anyway.

I wish you all the best.

Joe Rice

Ah hell!

2004-12-01T21:15:00.000-05:00

You gotta be kidding me.

I just wrote a review of all but the last of the comics from this week. And somehow my browser went back a page. When I went forward again it was all gone.

Boy, it was brilliant stuff.

Crap. This is so annoying.

Uggggh. Here we go again.

Doc Frankenstein was OK. Doc Savage + Frankenstein with Catholophobia. Neat idea, not so neat execution.

Street Angel is awesome. Read it or be a bad person. Clean art, good story, moving bits.

Jubilee has art that is starting to bother me. Good story, racially extreme art.

Detective Comics finally has Lapham. Wish he had Sienkiewicz, too. Nice, smaller story. No colorful villains. Batman's life. I want to see more of the sociopolitical stuff. Batman taking down the robber barons.

Never read Suicide Squad, but always thought Deadshot looked cool. Decent dark hero stuff. Antiheroes don't act . . .that's the technical definition. Comics and movies say antiheroes are morally grey heroes. That's not the real meaning. Floyd is a protagonist here, trying to clean up the neighborhood of a daughter he didn't know he had. Badass stuff, light and fun in an action movie way.

OK, back to where I was before. Sorry about the terseness. Actually, some probably prefer it.

The next up is the Avengers double bill New Avengers and Ultimates 2. Two pretty books, alternate versions of the same team, both pretty different from the traditional set-up. There's a lot of talking in both. We get pages of conversation. Pages. We get some pretty pictures. We get the glimmer of a story beginning. Some of it is even kind of interesting (Sentry, Volstagg/Loki). But can we PLEASE declare the "decompressed" trend passe? I want some comics where some shit happens for once!

Comics like The Question. Holy hell, it looks great. It really, really looks great. The surrealistic narration is good and it WORKS! The plot is interesting. The villains new and fun . . .I hope people are reading this. Lex is a fun bad guy, there's a character named "Six True Words," Lois is badass, Superman is around but not . . .read it.

There is no finer comic out there than Love and Rockets. Reading Locas really reaffirmed it. THIS is good comics. The people wanting adult stories, the people wanting beautiful art, the people that LIKE GOOD LOOKING WOMEN FOR PETE'S SAKE! WHY AREN'T YOU READING THIS IF YOU AREN'T? And those that are, roll call! Give a testimony, just like in a Southern church.

And from the finest comics, to the worst World's Finest . . .Superman/Batman suffered through a year of totally awful stories. Awful, awful, awful. Some awful, awful, awful art, too. So why the hell is the latest arc working? It's fun, it's nerd-pleasing without nerd-pandering (the nerd details enrich the story instead of making the story (cough cough Rebirth)), and it sure is pretty. AND QUALITY HEROES! I make no bones about loving the Freedom Fighters just about sight-unseen. Dunno if I've ever read a good story with them, but I know they've got it. And so here we find the Dystopian Dictatorship turn into a version of Earth X (not the crap Alex Ross thing, pre-Crisis awesomeness). The Freedom Fighters against a dictatorship over America. The narration is still completely terrible and gratuitous, but I have to say the rest has me intrigued. Other fans of superheroes who hated the rest of these, try it. And those that think I'm so much of an indy/art snob that I can't enjoy disposable "pure superhero" stuff, nyah nyah.

Shopping Time

2004-11-30T19:56:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Christmas shopping time. And I guess the other holidays too. Whatever.

Funny sidebar story . . .my friends and I, in high school, saw "Kwanzaa" listed on the big calendar in the front office. It's a calendar made elsewhere, obviously, because at the time Ashland was about as racially diverse as a kung fu movie. So we, educated, top of what that school had to offer academically, had never heard of this strange holiday. We wondered what it could be.

We eventually decided it was when all the Brians and Bryans of the world got together and made more Brians and Bryans. Safe to say, we knew a lot of guys with that name. It was a sacred time.

Anyway.

I love holiday shopping. I love it. I love finding the pefect gift. It has to be perfectly FOR the receiver and perfectly FROM me. Every year I try to have one out-of-the-ballpark gift. One year I got my mom a set of bagpipes. Last year I got my dad an Atari 5200 (pure awesomeness). This year . . .dunno. Lisa gave me the idea for a certificate for a personally tailored shirt at a nice Manhattan place for dad. That could be cool.

The thing I hate most is when people ask me what I want. For whatever reason, my particular brand of uberleftist Christianity gives me a huge helping of class guilt. It's not helped by the fact that I have all these darling children I teach who are among the poorest inhabitants of NY. So I have a hard time wanting things, you know? It rarely feels right. (Of course some things are always right, cough cough, Frank Quitely Marvel Family sketch, cough cough.)

So I was working on my amazon wish list and basically started adding a bunch of stuff for my class. I guess that's a good compromise.

I also hate telling people what I want because I get off on being surprised. Surprise is hot. Opening the package you know is whatever is not.

Unless it's a Frank Quitely Marvel Family sketch. Or painting.

That is perfect at any point in time.

Hate

2004-11-23T20:16:00.000-05:00

I'm usually pretty successful in being indifferent to what others think of me. Like me, dislike me, want me desperately, it makes little difference to me. I'm helped a great deal by my religion with this.

But I really don't like being hated. It really bothers me. I get angry, I get upset . . .and, this may be a surprise to some folks, but it's pretty damn rare, like a handful of times. And it's almost always on the internet.

People get mad at me. They say I'm being a jerk, but all I can see me doing is talking very poorly about a comic book. People say I think my opinion is more important or all important, that I look down on people who disagree with me . . .neither are true.

People are insecure. I don't agree 100% with ANYbody. Shit, Lisa doesn't even care for New Frontier and I let her see me naked sometimes!

So I'm working on it bothering me less. I think some of the bother is a nagging suspicion that maybe I did something awful and didn't realize it. Call it protestant pseudo-guilt. I don't want to hurt anyone, and that's why being hated hurts.

Turkey turkey turkey

2004-11-23T15:29:00.000-05:00

I'll be taking a blogging break starting tomorrow. I'll be spending the holidays with my fiancee and renewing our annual cycle of eating and sleeping and eating and sleeping and eating and sleeping. We become like retarded bears or something during this holiday, constantly groggy and only awake long enough to re-triptophanify ourselves.

In that light, I have decided to compile some thankfulness lists. However, since those are boring as shit, I have opted to alter them a bit. So they will be divided into different categories, starting with:

Things for which I would be thankful were I a program in the movie Tron

1. Lightcycles
2. As a devout Flynnian, I'm thankful that my Lord and Savior made himself a program in our world in order to save us from the MCP
3. I look fucking awesome ALL THE TIME.
4. Hot deleted love scenes
5. Lightcycles (goddam they are so cool)

Janet Van Dyne's Thanksgiving List

1. Brad Meltzer does not work for Marvel

Teddy (Lisa and Helen's dog) is thankful for:

1. Peeing
2. Sleeping
3. Making poodies
4. Beer
5. Cookies
6. MEAT
7. Green squeaky thing
8. The decline of Western civilization

Classified Thanksgiving List by Snake-Eyes

1. GI Joe cartoon off the air.
2. I can nap in my mask and no one would know.
3. Duke gets no play
4. Being a ninja commando badass
5. Dogs
6. Arrested Development, that show is hilarious!
7. Seven Soldiers of Victory is going to whip serious ass.
8. Tim's Dio-Stories

From the desk of President Bartlett

1. I'm real, Bush is not.
2. No one knows about my kill-spree in the badlands of the midwest as a young lad or my time as a special-ops assassin in 'Nam.
3. My show is a bit better than last year, which was real bad.
4. My awesome hair
5. Lightcycles

Captain Marvel is better, I've always told you.

2004-11-22T16:06:00.000-05:00

From New Scientist, by way of collisiondetection.net:

Superman is too good a role model. Fans of the man from Krypton unwittingly compare themselves to the superhero, and realise they do not measure up. And as a result, they are less likely to help other people.

Researchers made the discovery whilst examining how people’s decision-making can be influenced by surreptitiously placed ideas, usually via seemingly unrelated questionnaires or word puzzles. For example, one study has shown that people primed with helpful words were more likely to help a friend pick up spilt pens.

Such effects usually last only up to a couple of weeks, but Leif Nelson at New York University and Michael Norton at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology wanted to see if it could last longer.

They asked students to list the characteristics of Superman, or alternatively superheroes in general, as part of a larger questionnaire. Later on, subjects were given the opportunity to volunteer for a fictitious community programme.

Students who thought of Superman volunteered much less of their time than those who thought about other superheroes. Furthermore, Superman-primed subjects were significantly less likely to show up at a meeting for volunteers held three months after they were initially asked to participate.

The reason, believes Nelson, is that asking people to compare themselves to an exceptional individual makes them realise their shortcomings. Whereas thinking about a general category encourages people to identify the strengths they have in common.

Fuck you, alien!

Crossover Reviews

2004-11-18T19:04:00.000-05:00

It's an exciting time here at the Joe Rice Media Review. Finally, the name is re-earned. For too long it has been a review of almost only two things: good comics and terrible comics. Now there will be music! And movies! And deep emotion!

Once again, in reverse order of how I read them, let's start with comics.

The Wildstorm Winter Special was much better than it had any right to be. It's just a few short stories in a one-off anthology . . .the kind of thing they usually give to shit talent in need of new shoes. But this had a Bruce Jones/Josh Middleton story that was BEAUTIFUL, of course, and well-written, of course; it had a Tom Peyer/Cary Nord bit that was also pretty kickass (damn, Nord can draw); a Pfeifer/Iwahas bit that was inconsequential but pretty; and a lame Warner/D'Anda "Deathblow" (heehee) story. Pick it up, the first two are well worth it.

Well, things finally happen in the new issue of JLA. But it's just kind of hard to tell because everything is obscured by all the damn dialogue balloons. Holy CRAP people talk a lot in this comic. This should have been a kickass action piece about the CSA beating things up but it looked like the comic strip Cathy with the gigantic damn speech baloons. Busiek would have had a fun story here were it not for all that.

So Alex pulls Superman/Batman for me and I'm all like "Wha?" and he's all like, "S'cool," and then I'm like, "The fu--?" and he's like, "s'dumb but fun." So the art is nice as hell. Pacheco's great. The narrative captions are ANNOYING AND UNNEEDED. Show, don't tell! That's what you learn in day one of writing in high school, for shit's sake! And I'm nerdy enough that the identity of the "parents" was clear from page one, so that "shocker" failed. A lot of the other stuff was super forced and annoying, too. But, I'll grant that Diana and Sam at the end was pretty damn neat. I'll give it another issue.

Ex Machina is still great. It's probably Vaughn's best work . . .better than Runaways and maybe even Y. The Harris art just keeps getting better . . .but the gigantoboobs were a bit much this issue. More time hopping in the story as new and old things are revealed at once. We get the sci-fi action elements and the political stuff. And public education issues get a brief mention! Yay!

She-Hulk had one of the worst covers not drawn by Michael Turner I've ever seen. It's a creepy grinning She-Hulk flexing one arm and feeling it with her other hand. This isn't even T&A idiocy. It's just a person kind of doing something and looking creepy. And we're surprised this book doesn't sell? As the previous issues, this is fun, light superhero fare the way it used to be done. But that COVER! Ugh!

I want to marry Garth Ennis' Nick Fury. I will give up Lisa, my job, my sexual orientation, everything. Goddam he's the coolest guy ever. I think I'd rather this be "Nick Fury" than The Punisher. But I'll take what I can get. Winding plot that I can't quite outguess yet. Damn, I love this Nick Fury. Sam Jackson can go crap on his money for all I care.

Some of the best parts of The Walking Dead are the casualness with which the characters have come to deal with the undead. It's not played for laughs, it's just a world where this has been going on for a while. So you don't panic when you see one. You know you're faster and you bash its head in. The character work continues to be top notch, better even, perhaps, than in Invincible. Strong work and it's even more fun when it comes out two weeks in a row!

Where will the Lunas go next? Ultra seems to be one of those come-out-of-nowhere breakout books. It's funny, smart, VERY well-drawn, and different. Will the big two bring them in for something fun? Will the big two ruin them? Or will they be a part of this growing awesomeness that is Image these days? Seriously, look at the stuff coming out of this company: original, fun, and free (from big company bullshit). Personal superheroics that can be individual but opening. Ultra's part of this, and you're missing out if you're not reading it.

Terra Obscura is fun comics. What else is there to say, really? I can't wait for next issue: I really love alternate-realities-converging stuff. Alan Moore does it so well, too. Hm. Been a lot of alternate reality stuff this week. Something to watch out for. Could be something coming through the creative sphere.

Ed Brubaker rarely, if ever, disappoints. His Captain America is no exception. The art's not my thing, but it tells the story (not surprised to hear this guy was at CrossGen). But the story . . .I was all ready for one thing and we're going to get another. I like what we're going to get, too. The villain seems less cartoonish and maybe even, horrors, interesting! With a plausible motive!! ZEEBA ZOOBA! The deaths don't bother me, as they seem more incidental and the man IS allowed to be angry sometimes. Good start.

So The Donnas have a new album, Gold Medal. It's been fun watching/hearing them develop as musicians. I was a big fan of their early punky stuff, but they've really come along to be more like the bands they love. In short, they rock damn hard. The album cover is by awesome comics cover artist James Jean and it's really striking. The songs show another growth in maturity as songwriters and musicians in the girls. There's even some other instrumentation in there! The first listen almost disappointed me, but the rocking is still there, even when it's a bit more subtle. And is it just me, or did the girls listen to some Liz Phair and decide to make it actually rock?

I signed up for Netflix finally. And as I was looking at it I totally froze. The selection was too vast. I could not think of anything to rent. So I did a CBR nod and rented Quatermass and the Pit, a movie recommended to me by Mr. P. Teel. It's a 60s British Sci-Fi horror film done by the Hammer folks. Some legitimately creepy stuff. Weird prehistoric skeletons are found during subway construction, and that leads to some sort of spaceship discovery. It's a slow, creeping terror with a Brit stiff upper lip. Fun, recommended to fans of genre stuff. By no means amazing, though.

Over the weekend Lisa and I left her sister's Lord of the Rings marathon in order to catch The Incredibles. It's not new to call it super fun, but it is true to say it. The animation quality was just fantastic . . .the clothing and hair in particular. Great voice acting, great story, great score . . .about the only ungreat things were the nutjob kids sitting behind us calling out every few minutes. We were both surprised, but not upset, by the amount of implied death. No stupid GI Joe parachuting when the stuff blows up (really, what a fucking terrible cartoon that was). You've probably already seen it. If not, you're a dooderhead or a foreigner which is basically the same thing.

Not yet reviewed: The Complete Peanuts Vol. 2, Dan Dare, Nashville, and the Seven Samarai.

2004-11-17T21:56:00.000-05:00

Some days, on this job, you just learn things you didn't want to learn. The shit that happens in this world that we want to ignore or fictionalize. The shit that turns your stomach and not even a shithead like me can joke about it. All you can do is support the people, keep the authorities appraised, and pray. Dammit to hell.

Jesse Stuart

2004-11-15T19:55:00.000-05:00

So Sunday I got up early and went on my way to church. Usually Lisa comes with me, but it was her sister's birthday weekend and said sister wanted to go to evening "jazzy" (shiver) service. I had evening plans already (D&D WOO!) so I went ahead to the morning service. Went to Neil's Coffee across the street from church and enjoyed a good breakfast. An older fellow sitting beside me on the counter said something like, "Well, winter is officially here." Now, I hate talking about the weather but I chat with him a bit. Eventually, he asks me where I'm from and I say "Kentucky."

"Anywhere near Greenup?"

"Actually, right next to it."

"There was a writer I used to read a lot . . ."

He didn't even have to finish. "Jesse Stuart. He's actually a friend of the family." Jesse Stuart was a writer from my area that got some attention, mostly during the pre and post WWII era. I like his stuff . . .kind of like what you want Hemmingway to be: simple, tough, but poetic (without all that closeted and suicidal bunk). He was friends with my Gran and Grandad. In fact, they were all in a movie together . . .and Edward G. Robinson. It was for the American Heart Association. My aunt was born with congenital heart problems and so she and my mom's family were the focus of one of the AHA's films, hosted by Robinson. Jesse Stuart wrote part of it and played the part of the narrator/interviewer. It was neat seeing a VHS version a few years back. Seeing my mom in a movie as a little girl certainly was odd.

Anyway, we chatted for a while and it was very cool. Served in WWII in San Diego, graduate of Indiana University ("Year One,"), affable fellow. I had to go on to church, but that brightened my morning. I was a little sad that he was obviously pretty lonely, but hopefully the talk brightened his day as well.

One thing he said . . ."You're probably a writer, too, right?" Made me think. Am I? I was, once. Now I'm a teacher. Can I be both?

I just started a play that I'm writing for my kids' Puerto Rican Heritage Celebration. Baby steps, I suppose.

Check out some Jesse Stuart. You might like it and you'll be able to out-obscure all your pretentious friends.

Reviews: Quick and Dirty like a Handjob in the Movie theater

2004-11-11T21:17:00.000-05:00

Let's do this in reverse order of how I read it. Some of these will be exceptionally short . . .there's just not much to say about them.

Angeltown is neoblaxploitation noir. I guess that's a new genre for Vertigo, but it's not one for fiction in general. There's nothing here of note, really. Beautiful lesbians, studly private dick on a mission, smart white girl with her nose in things . . .zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Pass on this.

Green Arrow gets its much-hyped "HIV" issue. Um . . .it's crappy. A lot of talking, of course. And Green Arrow hides his rage but beats up some dummies! Some cheap psychobabble, an after school special message . . .and we're done.

Wildgirl was . . .different. I'm on for a while, at least. The storytelling is not something I'm very used to, honestly. It's quiet and non-verbal, for the most part, and I think that could be a good thing. There's a dreamlike, trance quality to the book and that could really work. The art is nice. Leah Moore and the dude she does apparently write comics better than most of the folks working for the Big 2.

Avengers Finale is a bunch of artists drawing terrible dialogue and then some nice pin-ups. Why is Bendis popular again? Is comic writing so bad that this seems good by comparison?

I don't like the computer art in Iron Man. It's better than Chuck Austen's art was. But it's still stiff and lifeless. The story is likewise. Warren Ellis . . .all the anti-superhero invective and sentiment in the world will make you anything other than a fairly talented superhero writer. Though I have to say the exchange with the documentarian at the end was nice.

Bullseye: Greatest Hits is dumb action comics. But Steve Dillon draws it so beautifully . . .I just can't resist. This is probably against cannon or whatever, but I've never read any Bullseye stuff before so it doesn't bug me. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone other than Steve Dillon fans, though.

So Marvel's very high on this Greg Pak guy. After three issues of Warlock I think I see why. His dialogue is natural but clever. His characters are well delineated. And the plot is interesting. I know all the Starlin nerds probably think this book is an abomination before Jim, but I frankly never liked his soul-less work. I'll take this any day.

District X is still going strong. I could do without the marital tension, though. I dunno, I've always found that a cliched and boring plotline. It's, if anything, uncomfortable. It provides no satisfaction or release. It's just . . .watching people be upset for petty reasons. I like the rest of this book, just not that.

I'm less sold on Nightcrawler. The art is probably Robertson's best, in my mind. The writing . . .it's working, but it's not like Aguirre-Sacasa The Wrath of God's work on 4. I prefer the latter, which seems to be explaining the financial crisis more in line with Reed's actual history. Both these comics are nice, more personal looks at superheroes, and I'll stay with both.

Now for another author two-fer. I make no bones about being a big Robert Kirkman fan, and it's only partially because he's from Kentucky. His comics kick ass. Walking Dead pretty much single-handedly converted me to zombie-fandom. The engaging characters are the draw here, not wall-to-wall gore. (I soon discovered, that's what zombie movies generally are about, when they're good.) Some good psychological stuff and the ending gives me a real bad feeling (in a good way). Marvel Team-Up is much lighter fare, but superhero comics need that from time to time. I've never been a fan of Kolins' work, and I'm still not. It's not as bad as that awful work in the Hulk/Wolverine mini. But it's not too appealing to me. It almost is . . .but somehow it just falls short of working for me. Spidey's jokes are funny, Wolverine is in character (even if he's in that stupid costume) and I can't wait to see what geeky stops Kirkman pulls out for this.

I hate to say it, but Gotham Central was a terrible disappointment this month. Sure, I don't expect as much from the Rucka solo arcs. And, sure, crossovers are going to make things worse . . .but a whole issue about taking the Bat signal down? Even if I thought that was a neat idea, editorially, it's not what this book is about. More of the Rene and Friends show. Ugh. Without Lark's art, this issue would be totally worthless.

At least we can rely on Scott Morse to fill in on Plastic Man well. This is two he's done and they're both welcome. That's saying something, considering how amazing Baker's work on the title is regularly. I'll be sad to see this go, but it's inevitable, isn't it? DC doesn't put books like this out. They put out books where Atom is a multiple murderer. Assholes.

Aha! I've got it!

2004-11-09T20:15:00.000-05:00

Hey, people. Recommend me some movies. I just signed up on Netflix and am too overwhelmed to choose anything.

So what the hell is this thing for, anyway?

2004-11-09T19:31:00.000-05:00

A few posts into this blog thingee and I'm already questioning its existence. What exactly is my purpose with this thing? Am I to be reviewing stuff all the time? Or can this be like some little girl's diary? Dear Diary, I had the shits today! (I didn't. Not today.) I dunno. I guess we'll be seeing as time goes on.

Oh, http://forums.comicbookresources.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=9618

That's a link to a picture of me being all bad and shit. And soon to be very sore.

Finished Locas tonight. By FUCK that is good comics. I came into Love and Rockets with the most recent volume, having previously only read The Death of Speedy. I just really fucking love it, some of the best stuff the genre has ever offered. And it's not easy finding folks that are into it. What the fuck? Batman sells a shit ton of copies even when it's retarded, but people stay away from one of the longest-running masterpieces of any form of media? It makes me want to smell my own taint. And not in the good way.

Meetings are awesome!

2004-11-08T18:02:00.000-05:00

Who was a cranky ass teacher today? It was Mr. Rice. Do I know why? No. Will I continue asking a question then answering it? Maybe. Do I remember why exactly I signed online? Not at all. I'm pretty sure there was something. Oh, yeah. I was supposed to scan in the photo of all of us at paintball then email it. WHAT'S THAT? THIS DOES NOT MAKE FOR A FASCINATING BLOG ENTRY? Go eat a crap!

Hey, here's something I hate: moving. I hate looking for a new place, I hate deciding on a new place, I hate packing, I hate moving the stuff, and I hate unpacking. Arranging the furniture is kind of cool, though. But I'm going to do it soon. I'm starting to really hate my apartment. Rats. Stinks. Heat problems. I'm allergic to something. And my fiancee doesn't like coming near it. It would be nice to see her from time to time on the week days. So keep your ears to the ground for a one bedroom or so, either in Brooklyn or Manhattan. Close to the L or a train that goes to it.

Not that anyone reading this probably has any idea about NY real estate . . .

From the "wish I said it" file

2004-11-07T22:16:00.000-05:00

Paul McEnery says a lot of things I wish I said. His comics analysis is kind of like my taste + love of Ellis + extremely erudite explanations. Case in point, his JLA: Classified message:

Gorilla Grodd is rabid islamic extremism. Note the reference to beheadings, hostage taking, and desire to destroy westen civilization (er, I mean the entire human race).The Ultramarines are militaristic western response: big tech, big guns, charge in blazing without considering the ground situation first. Now they're quagmired.The JLA is off in another galaxy, paying no attention to the ground situation either, much to Batman's disgust. They're the UN.In the background, you've got Nebulon (bit of a reference to The Defenders there?) playing a very dark game, intending to leave a pile of skulls for his Queen, and extend the control of the Vampire Sun.So Nebulon is Grant's latest reference to Yog-Sothoth/Sublime, the ultimate Satanic evil, manipulating a situation to create lots of death and destruction, utilizing an aggressive bad guy and the short-sightedness of an overconfident, and overaggressive bunch of good guys.Mind, I reckon he'll find a few twists in the set-up once we're on to see the JLA in action in what very much looks like Nebulon's patch.

Love that Paul McEnery.

Ouch

2004-11-07T20:24:00.000-05:00

Back from paintballing in Pennsylvania. Ouch. Got shot on the inner thigh, on my spine, on my chin, and, worst of all, I received a headshot from behind AFTER I was out of paintballs.

I originally just typed "painballs." Accurate, I guess.

But, yeah, I typically won't be updating this too much over the weekend. I usually go to my fiancee's place to see her for the weekend. So, over the weekends I recommend that you simply re-read the entries I've already made. Perhaps you can make a game of memorizing them. You and your friends can hold contests to see who knows them best. And if someone gets them wrong, you punch their damn face.

When it comes down to it . . .

2004-11-04T18:55:00.000-05:00

Remember that list of unread comics from yesterday? It's still sitting on my desk. The reason is, if I have the choice, I'd rather continue reading Locas by Jaime Hernandez. Holy crap it's so good. The art, the story, the humor, the character work . . .it's all dead on perfect. Jaime is a genius. And NOBODY draws better women. Nobody. Screw those T&A hacks like Turner, Lisner, and Benes. Screw even those talented T&A guys like Hughs, Maguire, ore Paquette. Jaime is the man. He draws the only drawings to whom I've ever been attracted. And I'm attracted to almost all of them.

Oh, man. What a nerdy topic of conversation.

Tomorrow I'm off to Jersey. From thence shall I travel to Pennsylvania. There I will shoot things and people all the live-long day. Watch your back, friends and acquaintances and friends of friends. I just broke out my black poncho.

Post Electoral Depression Cheer-Up Review

2004-11-03T20:41:00.000-05:00

I haven't read everything yet, but what I have read has gone a ways into clearing up the morbid dread that's been hovering over me since last night. And get this! This is the nerdiest bad effect of the election yet! For the past few weeks, my pals and I have gone old school and played some D&D. But our DM is quite the leftist activist and is going into "fight of flight" mode and is making travel plans. May or may not leave the country. What will ever become of Chok Malloo, Private Investigator?

Sigh. Moving along. Justice League Unlimited is straight-up old school (there's that phrase again) one-off superhero stories that work. Does anyone do those anywhere other than in the DC animated line anymore? The Atom, Firestorm, Wonder Woman, and Ice make up the JLA team that SOMEONE PROBABLY KIND OF DEMANDED ONCE! But I kid. There are some cute jokes about shrinking's effects on the body and Ice pukes a lot. This won't wow anyone, but the industry could do worse than having this kind of journeyman quality with decent 3 act structures.

So Marvel cancelled Jubilee before issue 3 even comes out. I hope the trades get out in the right place. Jubilee's a good book. It's cute, it's funny, and it works on its own level and way. The girls in my class have recently become obsessed with the 4 issues of Mary Jane Marvel released then shit-canned. I can imagine they'd do likewise. I mean, they sit and talk about the goings-on in lunch! I see girls sitting in Barnes and Noble reading Manga trades all day. CASH IN ON THIS, MORONS!

Hawaiian Dick: The Last Resort is good for many reasons. The art is sweet, unique, and improving with every issue. The characters are charming and have individual feel. And it is chock-full of making fun of the Irish and the Italians. There are few things I love more than chiding micks and wops and this book lets me do both. This is like having whiskey and spaghetti all at the same time! Yay! (I seriously do love this book.)

What exactly is the point of Hulk/Thing? I mean, really? There's some fun one-liners and the art is beyoot, but . . .what's going on? We've had three issues of two guys remembering things and occasionally punching each other for a few seconds. Bruce Jones' Hulk was great at one point. And now it's . . .I have no idea what it is. Ah, well. Bring PAD back. The fans are clamoring, I bet. All twenty of them!

The Punisher is fun stuff. I'm like the one person in the world that LOVED Ennis' Fury. And we get to see him again now. AND HE DRINKS BOOKER'S BOURBON! If you don't know, Bookers is a REALLY good top-shelf bourbon that's got an AVERAGE proofage of 127 or so. Average. They don't know the exact proofage of each bottle. It's great tasting and your first drink feels like a lit match moving down your body. AND NICK FURY DRINKS IT! I love you, Garth Ennis. Unfortunately, the artist shows a bottle of JD. Goddam Tennessee swill! Do your research! And when the character says "neat" don't draw ice cubes! ANYway, the issue was really good. Stupid Jack Daniels.

Nice flashback issue of Sleeper. We get the background of Tao and Lynch's mutual despisement. Despisery? NOT LIKING EACH OTHER REAL HARD. This was hardly the strongest issue of the series, so I wouldn't recommend it as a jumping-on point, but it was neat for a fan to read what went on before.

Wow. The Question looks GREAT! Has Edwards' art always been like this? Shit, I really love it. He's rising way up there very quickly. The story was . . .fine. Good, in fact. An intro with some plot and some new developments in a character that's had nowhere to go for a while. Sad that the best the Question could do since Watchmen was imitate the character that imitated him at one point. The city shaman thing is a bit weird, but I can do weird. And it LOOKS SO DAMN GREAT! Yum.

I somehow missed Jack Staff last week. Changed that this week. There's even a card game for free inside made by Grist! As usual, Grist's story takes place in various time frames, but we know this will eventually all tie together. Are you not reading Jack Staff? If you aren't, then you are a bad person and not even your dad likes you anymore. He told me so, you non Jack Staff reading crap head.

How was Majestic selling? It's already got a ongoing coming off of it. And it's really good. Majestic becomes more than "Mean Superman." And, hell, so does Eradicator, for that matter! Thank you, Abnett and Lanning. And Kerschl, even though I do not trust your vowel-rich name. Straight superheroics. Only a day after I bitch about how DC doesn't do that anymore . . .
JLA: Classified . . .happyshake. Sogood. Sogood. Batman written as . . .HOLY CRAP A CHARACTER WITH MORE THAN ONE ASPECT! "Break out the sci-fi closet." Oh, man. Morrison's Batman is funner than ever. I'd give up BJs for more of this, like, one per issue or something. The Quantum Keyboard is awesome. Goraiko is awesome. Knight and Jack are awesome. Squire is awesome. 4-D is awesome. Everyone is awesome. This book is awesome. McGuinness' cartoony style works like crazy here. The scary stuff is made scarier but more palatable at the same time. And the fun stuff makes me feel like the book is caressing my insides and soothing everying. All the sudden, Bush didn't win . . .Howard Dean did. No, Jesus did. Take me, Jesus. But please let me bring Grant Morrison.

Ah, and BPRD was strong, of course, but weakened a bit by the fact that it's been so long since the last mini. But I sure am in. And I like Captain Zombie. Heh.
And not yet read and reviewed: Or Else, Amazing Fantasy, Little Endless, Mr. X, and The Golden Plates.

letter from a student

2004-11-03T20:36:00.000-05:00

I teach third grade in Brooklyn. Today, spontaneously, one of my kids wrote the following letter. The kids at my school were even more upset than me. Look to the bottom of the economic ladder for people really affected by this election:

Dear, News
Bush wanted people to pick on him he said if you pick on me I will do anything. I pick for Kerry because Bush did all the fiting could you pleasue change it to Kerry all of us was talking about it at school that Bush made them pick on him.
P.S. I will like you to send me a letter.

What the internet is for:

2004-11-02T17:32:00.000-05:00

I once said that an internet comic nerd loves nothing more than a new excuse to bitch. I usually try to avoid this sort of stuff, but lately it's seemed like the crap has been flying with alarming speed and abandon. I've found myself more frustrated than usual of late; this isn't really that amazing . . .I'm usually pretty unfrustrated with comics. I think, overall, we're in a good time here and there's LOTS of great stuff being done.

THAT BEING SAID . . .there's something I really have to get off my chest. This is me at my most fanboyish, my most . . .negative (?) I suppose. But what the fuck is going on with the mainstream DCU? Holy shit! Now, people that have read me before know that I don't care for the middling journeyman work that has dominated that company for years now. The work of guys like Johns, Loeb, and Winnick is about as interesting to me as the medical history of the crazy guard at my school, which is to say, not at all. I guess I understand why they've been given so many assignments: they turn in their work on time and they use certain devices that blow fan minds for no apparent reason (extraneous mentions of continuity, linking everything together compulsively, retelling the same old stories). But lately . . .I dunno.

First Identity Crisis comes out. And in issue two we have an on-panel graphic rape scene. In an unlabeled comic. I find that, frankly, to be indefensible. It's gross. The rest of the book is pretty shitty in my mind, too, but that I was used to from DC. It's as if someone rediscovered Watchmen and DKR and MISSED THE POINT AGAIN! So now we have a new crop of "dark" and "adult" capes and tights books that read like adolescent anti-fantasies. "Dude, supervillains would totally be much eviller! They'd, like, rape girls and kill people and shit!" Whatever. That's not mature. It's just a different kind of immature.

So, this new post-IC DCU, supposedly centered around that awful crossover, has this GL: Rebirth piece of crap. Total fanboy pandering junk. Does the world need expository dialogue explaining who Mia is? Or a reminder of Guy Guardner: WARRIOR? Or Crazy Spectre Hal crippling villains? It's just so . . .gratuitous. It's everything I hate about recent DC: superheroes simultaneously made "mature" and being sucked off by the writer and the cast; anal retentive OCD continuity mentions and "fixes;" stiff, uninteresting art; and, despite all the pretenses, just a big old "status quo."

And now Judd Winnick is going to write a Captain Marvel miniseries. I loves me some Captain Marvel, I really do. My students loves them some Captain Marvel. But now the guy who made wacky Sivana a cold-blooded murderer and brought Sabbacc and Cap, Jr. into his dark, "mature" Outsiders is getting a major shot with the Big Red Cheese. It's almost enough to make a man give up.

But I refuse to give up. Plastic Man is too good. Adam Strange is firing on all cylinders. Wildstorm and ABC and Vertigo have some great stuff, as per usual. They'll keep me hanging on.

And there's always Grant Morrison. He's coming back to the DCU and it's going to make my weiner get all hard. In the meantime, excuse me while I dry hump my issues of We3.

The Most Historic Blog Post of ALL TIME

2004-11-02T16:32:00.000-05:00

Yes.

It is true.

I have come to make your lives better. Or worse. Or perhaps leave them unchanged, but take up a few minutes of your time every day. Or whenever I think to post something new. Crap. This start was supposed to be much better. Let's start over.

Hi. How are you doing? That's cool. Yeah. I'm fine. Yeah. Good. Uh-huh.

Double crap, that sucked even worse.

I'll just introduce myself. My name is Joe Rice. I'm a public school teacher in my late 20s. I live in Brooklyn, but was born and raised in Eastern Kentucky. I like rock and roll music, great movies, comic books, and all sorts of cuisine. I just voted and am trying not to be nervous as hell about the election. Part of that trying is finally caving in to starting a blog. You can thank that aromatic beacon of comic reviewing taste, Ed Cunard, for convincing me to actually do this. All those injured by reading what I write should aim their lawsuits at him.

Most of my time online is spent talking about comic books, so I predict this blog will follow that pattern. I have people in real life I can talk to about other crap. The two comic fans at my school have taste in comics that make me want to eat my own arm and crap it on my leg. But it won't all be comics. I'll probably spew forth all sorts of vitriol and idiocy as my fingers type away without concern for rhyme, reason, rhetorical merit, or assholery.

So this is my introduction and first post. I hope you enjoy what I write. Otherwise, shit, what a pointless waste of time this is.